David Henry Sterry

Author, book doctor, raker of muck

David Henry Sterry

Tag: comedy

Mort Morte: “A quart of Edward Gorey, a pint of Carl Sandberg, another pint of Dylan Thomas, two tablespoons of A.A. Milne”

mort dead dad mort cover“I never give away the plot of a book when I am reviewing it. What point is there in reading a book if you already know what is going to happen in it? So I’ll give you a taste that you can roll around on your literary palate, and get a good dose of the flavor of it.

Let’s do a science experiment. Get a good-size Pyrex flask (come on, we’ll need one far bigger than THAT!). Dump in a quart of Edward Gorey, a pint of Carl Sandberg, another pint of Dylan Thomas, two tablespoons of A.A. Milne, a couple of grifters with two-day-old stubble, a binky, a pistol, a shotgun, a large quantity of testosterone, two-thirds that quantity of estrogen, a gallon of warm mother’s milk, and very carefully, standing a safe distance away, drop in a vial of nitroglycerine: KA-BOOM!!!!! You’ve got Mort Morte. I loved it. You will too, unless you’re already dead.” – Laura Schulman

To buy on Amazon

Mort Morte: “Masterful, whimsical, laugh-out-loud hilarious!”

Here’s a new review for David Henry Sterry’s Mort Morte. To buy the book, click here.

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“Mort Morte by David Henry Sterry reads like an elegantly simple children’s book designed for adults. The chapters are rarely more than a page long and sometimes just a few words in length. While the format of the book is basic, with beautifully placed and executed illustrations by Alain Pilon, the story centers around adoration, violence, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and revenge.

Mort Morte is a brutal coming-of-age story that’s frequently laugh-out-loud hilarious.

The narrator, Mordechai Murgatroid Morte provides a rollicking ride through the culture of a sophisticated and rough-and-tumble Texas with a dash of Harvard thrown in. Sterry’s use of the English language is masterful and sometimes whimsical, i.e. “The animal heads started spinning round faster and faster like I was on some kind of sick Taxidermilogical Tilt-A-Whirl….” At times Sterry’s writing is so raw it’s painful which is quickly eased by the guilty relieving pleasure of high humor. mort morte the bull pic

Sterry has created a sympathetic character in Mort which is no easy challenge. Throughout his young life Mort suffers from fantastical anxiety dreams, he pulls rhythms and lyrics from melodies that mirror his moments of ecstacy, and at one point sums up his life “as a curious mixture of violent nausea and dizzying sexual fantasy.”

There’s a lot to like in this short, breezy book, notably its imaginative style and David Sterry’s love of language. No words are wasted here; Mort Morte succeeds mightily by saying a lot with a little.” – Liz Bulkley

 

A Little Dead Skin: Husband & Wife Disagree About Gross Man Behavior

Is she right, or is he wrong? You be the judge.

Olive Swings Carla the Penguin

Sex Worker Literati: Abiola Abrams & the Power of Big Thick Lust

Sex Worker Literati Princess Paulina, Absolutely Fabulous Tranny, Dances Dirty & Dishes Dirt

One of my favorite trannies in the world, funny, fierce & fabulous Princess Paulina.

Steve Jobs Has His Way with Me Every Day & It Hurts

High-octane rant about my abusive relationship with Steve Jobs

Huffington Post: Congress Announces BP Executives to Be Boiled in their Own Oil

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/congress-announces-bp-to_b_616591.html

 

Hysterical High Schoolers Writing

English Teachers Award

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Bert & Ernie come out in favor of gay marriage

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Bert and Ernie, legendary lovable Sesame Street icons, are in favor of same-sex marriage, sources close to them recently revealed. This hot button topic that has caused raging and flaming controversy all over the United States for years is still dominating headlines. On February 18, 2010, the Archdiocese of Washington announced that they are doing away with their foster care program, because they can’t work with the change in the District of Columbia’s laws that will allow same-sex marriages to be recognized legally. This is just the latest in a long line of decisions which affect millions of people’s lives, legally, socially and morally.

Opponents of same-sex marriage argue it is evidence of the further decay of the moral fiber of America, and that a child cannot learn good role models from homosexuals, who are living lives of perversion in the eyes of God. Proponents of same-sex marriage say that getting married is a basic human right, and trot out scientific research which shows absolutely no correlation between success and happiness in adults who have been raised in same-sex, as opposed to “traditional” households.

Even though there has been an informal “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy on Sesame Street for years, Bert and Ernie have not come out publicly advocating for same-sex marriage because they are afraid of the public backlash. An anonymous source overheard Bert and Ernie lamenting to Cookie Monster, Count von Count and Snuffluffigus that they were afraid if people knew, they might be evicted from Sesame Street, shunned by their monster friends and blackballed by the Muppet’s Union. Bert and Ernie are reported to have said, “It’s ridiculous, why should people pay taxes and not have the same rights as everyone else? It’s not about whether you’re gay or hetero, or whatever the heck else is out there, it’s about whether there’s love in the house. And everyone knows there’s always been a lot of love in the basement of 123 Sesame Street.”

Bert and Ernie have long been rumored to be gay. Many have speculated that Ernie’s international hit, “Rubber Ducky”, was actually a coded love song to Bert. They have, and continue to be, closed mouth about their personal life. An anonymous source had this to say: “Well, Bert and Ernie were carrying on, like they do, and Ernie said, ‘Look, what we do behind closed doors is our business.’ And Bert said, ‘Hey Ernie, is that a banana in your ear?’ And Ernie said, ‘What Bert?’ And Bert said, ‘I said Ernie, is that a banana in your ear?’ And Ernie said, ‘What’s that Bert, I can’t hear you, I’ve got a banana in my ear!’ Everybody just fell out. No matter how many times they do it, it’s always funny.”

Kermit the Frog was the only confidant of Bert and Ernie who would comment about this supercharged situation. And that was only on the condition of being off the record. “Hey, it’s not easy being green. And in this case, when I say green, of course I mean gay. Just to be clear, I’m not saying Bert and Ernie are gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. If two people want to live in the same bedroom together, that’s their business. Whatever gets you through the night, right? I mean come on, how many couples have been together for 40 years? I would take my hat off to them, except I am a frog, and I don’t wear a hat.”

Attempts to contact all Muppets, and their representative, proved fruitless.

Some quotes about same-sex marriage from the National Organization for Marriage, and religioustolerance.org:

“Gays and lesbians have the right to live as they choose. They just don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us.”

“A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?”

“Marriage between one man and one woman is critical to maintaining social stability. Society as a whole pays a high price when marriage is devalued. You see divorce; you see single-parenting; you see a rise in out-of-wedlock pregnancies,” said Shari Rendall, director of legislation and policy for Concerned Women for America.

“An unjust law is (one that a) majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself … “Lamentably, it is an historical fact that privileged groups seldom give up there privileges voluntarily,” said Martin Luther King, Jr. in a letter from a Birmingham jail.

Huffington Post: LeBorn Is Le Punk

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/lebron-lepunk-james-gets_b_230321.html

Derek Zoolander: “I Hate British Singing Sensation Susan Boyle!”

Derek Zoolander: “I Hate British Singing Sensation Susan Boyle!”

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British singing sensation Susan Boyle, an unemployed cat owner, has become, as a result of a mere five minutes of singing, an inspiration to millions of people all over the globe, a symbol that anyone with true, genuine talent can have their lifelong dream come true if they just keep trying. It seems like everyone has fallen in love with Susan Boyle, that plucky, spunky, I-won’t-change-for-anybody girl-next-door with a big heart and an even bigger voice. Everyone except a man who was once America’s most famous supermodel. Derek Zoolander.

“I’m really really really pissed off,” a source close to Zoolander reports he said, “Why does someone who looks like her get to have all that talent? It’s just not fair. And I think I speak for really really really good-looking people everywhere when I say, How come I don’t have any talent, how come I can’t sing or dance or tell jokes that are humorously funny? But still, I can make many excellent and exciting and sexy faces. Can Susan Boyle make any sexy faces? I don’t think so. Is she really really really good looking? No. Am I? Yes. So why is she so much more famous than I am? I’m telling you, it’s totally horribly totally not fair.”

According to a confidant, the ex-famous supermodel has watched Susan Boyle’s triumphant rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical Les Miserables over 10,000 times. “He just watches it over and over and over, and looks at himself in the mirror and makes sexy faces and saying stuff like, ‘Her features aren’t symmetrical. She has a bad haircut. And she hasn’t had any cosmetic surgery. My features are awesomely symmetrical. My haircut is super amazing. I had really really really really really great cosmetic surgery. Please, God, why are you forsooking me?’ It’s quite pitiful, if you want to know the truth. We’re thinking of having an intervention, but we’re having trouble finding a caterer in our price range.”

Susan Boyle’s 15 minutes of fame shows no signs of ending. And while everyone from Demi Moore to Ashton Kutcher to Oprah Winfrey are embracing her, a member of Derek Zoolander’s inner circle claims the former supermodel is bitter and angry. “Is that really the kind of world we want,” Zoolander is reported to have said, “where people who are not good-looking get to be famous? This is a way important issue that’s more way important than all these bad economy things, or whatever. We have to put our feet down. I don’t want the children of tomorrow thinking that it’s more important to have talent than it is to be really really really good looking. Anyone who wants to help can send money to the Really Good-looking People of America Fund.”

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/derek-zoolander-i-hate-br_b_189048.html

Mexican Drug Lord Officially Thanks American Lawmakers for Keeping Drugs Illegal

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Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera reported head of the Sinaloa cartel in Mexico, ranked 701st on Forbes’ yearly report of the wealthiest men alive, and worth an estimated $1 billion, today officially thanked United States politicians for making sure that drugs remain illegal. According to one of his closest confidants, he said, “I couldn’t have gotten so stinking rich without George Bush, George Bush Jr., Ronald Reagan, even El Presidente Obama, none of them have the cajones to stand up to all the big money that wants to keep this stuff illegal. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say, Gracias amigos, I owe my whole empire to you.”

According to sources in the Mexican government, President Calderone is begging American officials to, in the words of reggae great Peter Tosh, legalize it. “Oh yeah,” said an official close to the Mexican president, “Felipe is going crazy. He’s screaming at everybody who comes in, ‘Why don’t they make this sh*t legal already! You’re killing me here!’ Look, everyone knows, when you have Prohibition, you create gangsters. And the more you prohibit, the more gangsters you make. El Chapo is hero now to all those slumdogs who want to be millionaires. Kids in the street, when they play games, they all want to be El Chapo, the baddest man in the whole damn town.”

Meanwhile, many speculate that rich and prominent Mexican families are in cahoots with American businessmen in the alcohol industry, wealthy industrialists who launder the unprecedented profits from the drug business with their legitimate enterprises, and lawmakers who get gigantic kickbacks and payoffs to make sure that these drugs remain illegal, so they can remain rich, fat and happy. According to sources on both sides of the border, tens of millions of dollars in payoffs and kickbacks are stashed in Swiss banks every year, blood money from the brutal business made possible by a corrupt system supported by laws that don’t, and have never, worked.

Rather than putting El Chapo and his kind out of business by modernizing outdated laws and in the process making billions of dollars from taxing drugs (as is done with cigarettes and alcohol), United States government has spent hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars chasing its tail, and offered a $5 million reward for the capture of El Chapo. Many have said that the offer is unofficially: Dead or Alive.

Meanwhile, as an epidemic of murderous violence rages on the Mexican-US border, and the American government wastes boatloads of badly needed money on the illegal drug business which results from the Prohibition laws, El Chapo is laughing all the way to the bank. “Whoever came up with this whole War on Drugs,” one of his lieutenants reports he said, “I would like to kiss him on the lips and shake his hand and buy him dinner with caviar and champagne. The War on Drugs is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the day they decide to end that war, will be a sad one for me and all of my closest friends. And if you don’t believe me, ask those guys whose heads showed up in the ice chests.”

To the original Huffington Post article by David Henry Sterry

Poor People Happier Than Rich People for the First Time in History

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One unexpected benefit of the worst economic depression in a century is that for the first time in history, poor people are happier than rich people. Experts claim this is because

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the lifestyle of poor people has barely changed with the economic downturn. They were below the poverty before, and they’re below the poverty level now. But apparently, according to experts, many poor people are taking great comfort and the joy in the misery of the rich. In addition, they feel that President Obama actually wants to help them, a notable change from the last eight years in America.

Many rich people, on the other hand, have lost boats, airplanes, luxury automobiles, jet skis, two or three homes, and large portions of their wealth. Certainly many have been the victim of their own greed, but many have also been swindled, deceived and lied to. Just as poor people have been throughout the ages. And many rich people have never been poor, so they have no idea just how hard it is to be an American without money. Whereas most poor people, having been poor most of their lives, are very used to it.

Gerald (not his real name) is a doctor. He is in his mid-50s. He had a thriving practice. He lived in a beautiful home. He had enough money saved to live comfortably for the rest of his life. Or so he thought. Unfortunately for Gerald, he was friends with a very well thought of financial genius named Bernard Madoff. All his friends also knew Bernard Madoff. And they all trusted him to make them more money. In fact Gerald trusted him so much that he went out and mortgaged his house so he could give Madoff all his money. And now it’s all gone. His house, his retirement, all his money.

“It’s very depressing,” said Gerald, “I worked so hard for so long to build my practice. So I could provide for my family, so I could retire and travel. And now it’s all gone. Decades of hard work flushed down the toilet. I’m tired. I can’t sleep. And I’m angry. Why is this villain, this crook, this Madoff, still living high on the hog, in his palace? He should be in jail. Getting shtupped by big angry criminals. I guess though, I’ve always known, in the end I have no one to blame but myself. And that makes me depressed.”

Carla Crandall (her real name) is homeless. She’s in her early 30s. She is a very talented writer who will be published for the first time this summer. She suffers from mental illness, and she is a recovering drug addict. She lives on a fixed income from Social Security because she is disabled. She’s been depressed for years. Her income hasn’t changed at all. She has no retirement. She has no home. She has no money to invest. She didn’t lose one single penny during this catastrophic crash.

“Actually,” said Carla, “I’m really excited that my work is finally going to be published. It’s always been my dream to be a published author. I’m engaged to be married. But it’s so hard to live in the ghetto, drugs shoved down your throat, screaming lunatics and junkies, you just know at any minute someone can stick a knife right between your ribs. It just wears you down. If Obama would only give me, like, maybe ten grand, I could get out of the ghetto, get a computer, get on the Internet. Doesn’t seem like that much out of $800 billion, does it? But I have noticed you can get pants cheaper on the streets recently, so that’s good.”

Yes, it seems that everyone is suffering. But for once, the poor, the downtrodden, the huddled masses, the Carla Crandalls of the world, are suffering a little less than the rich people.

Link to the original post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/poor-people-happier-than_b_164772.html

Dick Cheney Shopping His Memoir: The Joys of Torture, Trampling the Constitution, and Bankrupting America the Dick Way

Top aides of Dick Cheney revealed that he is shopping his new memoir, even as they lashed out at critics who claim that he abused his power as vice president

of the United States. Even though many in the publishing industry have expressed outrage that Cheney made torture standard practice at, and top officials in Europe are calling for him to be tried as a war criminal, his top aides believe he is close to landing a seven-figure publishing deal.

“Dick wants to use this memoir to set the record straight as only Dick can,” a top aide revealed, “When he took over this country, he made a to-do list. Number two on that list was: bring back torture! He said to me a million times, ‘That’s the problem with this country, all those bleeding heart Hollywood homosexual Jewish liberal girlie men have made us a target.’ Dick made me see, that’s why September 11 happened. Because the evil ones thought they could get away with it. But now they know. You mess with us, we’ll torture the hell out of you. Heck, they had to pull Dick back. He wanted bring back torture big-time. Put criminals in stocks in the town square, lash them with the cat o’ nine tails, hang them by their thumbs, old-school style. But Dick wanted to mixed in all the new high-tech stuff, atomic powered water sledding, audiovisual sexual humiliation, and the ‘Active Denial’ ray gun, which produces mind-boggling pain, without leaving a single mark. I mean, come on, how cool is that? And with vice president’s guidance, we have made amazing breakthroughs with the use of testicular electrification. Dick’s very excited about that.”

Many top publishing experts believe that because Cheney trampled on the Constitution, authorizing wiretapping and holding suspects indefinitely without ever charging them, his memoir will quickly end up on remainder tables. There is speculation that this, combined with the government sanctioned torture, ethnic profiling, and the blatant disregard for civilian life in the Middle East, has led to worldwide hatred of America, and are actually as recruiting devices by Al Qaeda. The end result seems to be a widespread lack of interest from the publishing business in Dick Cheney’s memoir.

“This book is going to sell a billion copies. Dick Cheney will make it clear once and for all in his memoir why it was in America’s best interests that he wiped his ass with the Constitution,” said another of his top aides. “Like he says, ‘The Constitution was written by a bunch of pig farmers in white wigs and pantaloons, wearing fake wooden teeth.’ Which is totally true if you think about it. Look, his number one goal was to stop terrorism. And get really rich. And if Dick had to wiretap, if he had to round up all the ragheads, and throw them a dark pit somewhere till they squeal on their heathen, Bin Laden worshiping, Obama loving, brothers in arms, so be it. And as far as civilian casualties go, it’s like Dick says, ‘You can’t make a trillion dollar omelette without breaking a few trillion eggs.’

In addition, publishing insiders have stated that the American public believes Cheney’s war, precipitated by the fabrication of nonexistent weapons of mass destruction, was merely an excuse to secure cheap oil, and make the vice president’s rich cronies at Halliburton even more rich through extravagantly wasteful no-bid contracts. A top editor at Harper Collins said, “Cheney made our lives miserable for eight years. Now it’s our turn to kick Dick’s butt. If I have my way, Dr. Strangelove won’t get a plug nickel for his stinking memoir.” But Cheney’s top aides believe his memoir will be a historic document.
“This memoir will show conclusively that when Dick took the reins,” said yet another top aide, again off the record, “the number one thing on his to-do list was: start a war! He just caught a bad break with the whole WMD deal. He tried so hard to plant some of those suckers over there too, as soon as he realized there weren’t any. But it’s harder than you’d think, trying to plant weapons of mass destruction in some godforsaken camel jockey country. And frankly, Dick didn’ didn’t think, after 9/11, that anyone would give a damn why we wanted to bring down Hussein. It really shocked the hell out him. But Dick knows how to roll with the punches. He was just telling me yesterday, ‘They can all go to hell, because this is America, and the one who ends up with the most money wins. Guess who that’s going to be? Me!’

Again and again, Vice President Cheney has been accused, along with Karl Rove, of manipulating President Bush. Many claim that the last eight years have been orchestrated from behind the scenes by Cheney, using a smokescreen of deeply flawed legal arguments to become the most powerful vice president in history. And leaving America in the most severe economic downward spiral in almost a century. Many in the publishing community believe that being the most hated vice president in the history of the United States will make his memoir worthless. His top aides disagree.

“In this memoir,” another top aide confided, “you really see what a genius Dick is. Dick Cheney had a master plan when he took charge of America. In the year 2000, the economy had a $211 billion surplus. The national debt was down to $140 billion. He knew he had to turn that around. And by God he did. His goal when he assumed control was to have America $10 trillion in debt by the time he left office. And Dick is absolutely tickled pink that we made it to 10.6. This way, when everyone else has tanked, Dick and his buddies will be able to come in and buy the whole god damn country up for peanuts. Dick is brilliant. The Puppet Master. That’s what we call him. Sometimes when W gets really tanked, he and Dick do this hysterical ventriloquist routine. W sits on Dick’s lap, and he talks while W’s lips move. It’s a panic, seriously. Just about the only thing he didn’t get done was, extend presidential term limits. That kind of sticks in his craw. But Dick figures Obama’s going to screw the pooch so bad, in four years he’ll have brother Jeb all primed and ready. In the meantime, in the words of Dick, ‘Mission accomplished!”
In Hollywood, there has been speculation that Tom Cruise, who is apparently interested in playing the former vice president, is set to make an offer as soon as a publishing deal has been struck. And insider at Cruises production company said, “Tom has always had a fondness for Dick, everyone knows that.”

When contacted, Vice President Cheney’s office had no comment.

Déjà Vu All Over Again: Economic Meltdown & Chippendales

1208LD1 Chippendales21500 points the market plummeted last week. This was preceded by months of money drunk Wall Streeters feeding like little piggies at the trough of dirty money. For me it’s déjà vu all over again. Black Monday, October 19, 1987, the market crashed 508 points, while I was the master of ceremonies at Chippendales, the world’s greatest male stripping empire. And just as one-bedroom fixer-uppers were recently being valued at half a million dollars, citizens were taking out loans with balloon payments so full of hot air they exploded, and the new Bush was turning Wall Street into a Vegas casino; so Chippendales, with its steroid-bloated, mountain-peak-pecced excess was business as usual in a culture where the Emperor was a male exotic dancer with no clothes on. In both cases, America was writing checks with its mouth that its ass couldn’t cash and it crashed like an addled addict after a lost weekend.

In fact, that’s what happened to me. Started when the Snowman, a Chippendales studmuffin, began feeding me coke so I’d give him better intros. Soon I was shoving massive amounts of blow up my nose to feed the demon beast inside that could never be satisfied, til one night I did so much coke I died. Luckily, I came back to life. I quit coke that night. Dedicated myself to working hard, finding love, and conquering my demon beasts old-school style, by unraveling my knots slowly and painfully. Took me decades of busting my hump and years of hypnotherapy, but today I’m drug-free, with a job I love, a wife who loves me in all my idiocy, an apple-of-my-eye baby girl, and a
glorious home with a spectacular garden that feeds me every day.

I’m hoping America will have just as happy an ending. Dump the gas-guzzling SUVs, play well with others, stop the billion dollar a day war, and prosper the old-school way: work hard and earn it. Well, that’s my two cents worth, and with inflation I owe you approximately one trillion dollars.

THE HIPPOPOTAMUS

A Master’s Rant: Why Professional Golfers Suck

Why professional golfers are whiny little bitches

 

I am a golfer. There I said it. I’m not ashamed. Okay, maybe a little, but not much. So naturally I spent the last four days watching the greatest golfers in the world compete in the Masters, one of golf’s most prestigious events. I was shocked and horrified, horrified and shocked as I watched one pampered, Pansy-assed, Candy-faced golfer after another whine, moan, and bitch about how bad they had it. “Oh, it’s so terrible, we hit the ball and we don’t know where it’s going, we never know where it’s going to end up. We can’t work under these conditions, golf isn’t the supposed be like this, it’s too hard, we don’t like it, we’re not having any fun out there.” Let me tell you something motherfucker, golf is not supposed to be easy. You’re supposed to suffer when you play golf. Golf is supposed to make you miserable and put you through the ringer, just like life. You think you had tough working conditions this weekend? My grandfather was a coal miner. When he went to work in the morning it was still dark, and he worked his ass off all day, and when he dragged himself up out of the mines, after his shift was over, it was dark again. This man went for days weeks without seeing the sun, toiling away in a coal mine while black lung disease was trying to do a hostile takeover of his respiratory system. That man had a hard job. That man had every reason to whine about how tough it was. But did he? No. Professional golfers whine. You want a hard job? Try being Pat Tillman. Now that guy had a hard job. I’d say having to worry about chili dipping a sand wedge doesn’t really hold a candle to having your head blown off by your own guys. If you don’t believe me go ask Sergeant Tillman about how tough it is to be a professional golfer. Oh that’s right, you can’t, he’s dead. I thought this Masters was one of the most entertaining spectacles I’ve ever seen him. It gave me such immense pleasure to watch all these superstars who live in the lap of luxury snivel and crawl their way around Augusta. But if you ask me, it wasn’t hard enough. I want them to make Augusta, and every other golf course the PGA plays on, a hundred times harder. I want to see these wankers go all Tin Cup, and hit one ball after another into the water, splash splash splash. I want to see them breaking their clubs on trees and or in frustration. I want to see them four and five putt those monstrous greens. I want them to feel like I do on a golf course. I never know where the balls going. I never know where it’s going to end up. I want them to finish at least 15 strokes over par every single round. Just like I do. If it was up to me the winning score at next year’s Masters would be 100 over par. Let’s see how Tiger and Phil and Ernie hold up when they have to play around like I do. That would make me very happy. Well, that’s my two cents worth, and with inflation I owe you one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW_DhVCgb-8

PRESIDENT BUSH RESIGNS!!!

https://i1.wp.com/hamzajennings.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/george-bush.jpg?resize=143%2C137In a shocking, unexpected and unprecedented move, President Bush announced his resignation today.  He told to a group of stunned White House reporters that Jesus had spoken to him, and told him that the war was very very wrong, that he should no longer represented the interests of a few greedy, money-grubbing industrialists (he mentioned Karl Rove and Dick Cheney by name here) while lying to the American public about weapons of mass destruction and trying to fight terrorism,; that no more innocent blood should be shed in the pursuit of oil; that this barbaric attack would only make the rest of the world hate us even more, and that he should bring all our young men and young women home.  He also produced documents which proved that Vice President Dick Cheney had used his influence to get contracts for all his buddies at Halliburton, and that it was his intention to make sure that Mr. Cheney got, “A good, old-fashioned country butt-whuppin’.”  Mr. Cheney was subsequently arrested as he was hastily packing bags full of money, a one-way ticket to Barbados in his pocket.  Ex-President Bush went on to say that he was very excited about Nancy Pelosi becoming the first female president of the United States, and hope that she would bring her San Francisco values to the White House, transforming a culture of ignorance, elitism, bigotry and intolerance into one of openness, tolerance, and freedom of the press, where everyone, no matter how small their interest group, or how much money they have, or what race, color or creed they are, gets an equal voice in this great country of ours.  He then announced that he was divorcing his lovely wife, because he had fallen madly in love with Tom Cruise, and they had decided to get married, as soon as Tom’s divorce with Katie became official.  After President Pelosi was quickly sworn in, she announced that the war was over, and that all troops would be coming home.  In addition there would be a complete overhaul of America’s educational system, with the money we save from stopping the war being allocated to hiring more teachers, and paying the ones we have a decent wage.  They would also be an immediate end to the system now in place in which standardized test scores correlate to money received by school systems.  The idea, President Pelosi explained, would be that teachers actually get to teach, rather than preparing their students endlessly for rote examinations, full of facts they would never use again.  She then went on to say that her administration would put every resource available into stopping global warming, and making sure all endangered species were given a chance to recover and thrive.  She said she planned to work on immediately legalizing drugs and prostitution, and putting a reasonable tax on them, using the money to go after adults who prey on children in every nook and cranny of America.  President Pelosi concluded this historic press conference by announced that this was the dawning of a new age in the glorious history of the United States, when reason and enlightenment would replace prejudice and darkness, where the Earth would be cherished and the American ideals of liberty and justice for all would prevail once more.  She was greeted with thunderous applause, as Tom Cruise and ex-President Bush shared a deep French kiss in the corner.

Happy April Fooles Day!

The Observer on Chicken: “Very funny. A side of the sex-worker’s story that’s rarely heard”

observer-329.jpg“It’s a breezy read, pleasingly free of self-pity. Sterry judges the tone carefully. He’s unflinching and perceptive without being mawkish, and often very funny. And the side of the sex-worker’s story he tells is a rarely heard one.

— The Observer

To buy Chicken click here.

chicken 10 year anniversary cover

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