Month: October 2010
Bishop Eddie Long, the black minister accused of using his position of power to seduce at least four young men for his sexual pleasure, is being heavily recruited by the Catholic Church, according to sources high in the Vatican. Although he has long been well known for his vicious homophobia and scathing attacks on gay marriage, he now stands accused of engaging in sex with young men, seducing them with money, extravagant gifts, and the threat of eternal damnation if they turn down his defenses. But things might be looking out for the beleaguered and influential bishop.
“We’ve been trying for decades to attract more Negroes,” said a source deep within the Vatican, who asked to remain anonymous, “and Bishop Long appears to be exactly the kind of religious man the pope wants to be in bed with. He bashes fags relentlessly, and yet enjoys sexual relations with young studs who are easy pickings for a man of his power and deep religious convictions.”
According to a lawsuit filed by a 21-year-old man, while on overnight trips, “Long shared a bedroom and engaged in intimate sexual contact with the plaintiff, including kissing, massaging, masturbating of plaintiff by defendant Long and oral sexual contact.” Since they is no visual evidence to corroborate or refute these charges, it is still at this point a “he said-he said” situation.
Although he has long been associated with the family of Dr. Martin Luther King, he has steadfastly stood for cruel and ruthless oppression of minority groups such as homosexuals, which would seem to be diametrically opposed to Dr. King’s message of peace and love for all men and women. Long is also famous for his extravagant and gaudy bling, his extremely aggressive accumulation of wealth, and relentless self-aggrandizement. Ironically, this makes him the perfect candidate for recruitment by the Catholic Church.
“We like what we see” said another source near the top of the Catholic Church, again with the promise of anonymity. “He’s charismatic, he wears lots of gold, he seems to absolutely hate the gays, even though apparently he loves seducing boys. Plus he’s in serious trouble. Just like us. Seems like a marriage made in heaven doesn’t it? And, if we play our cards right, we think we get millions and millions of Negroes to join us, and apparently they’ll do basically anything he says, including giving lots of money. And isn’t that what he and the Catholic Church are all about?”
In addition, Long and his organization host seminars designed to “cure” homosexuals. “We think this will be a fantastic way of not only improving ourselves PR wise,” said another source close to the Pope, “it also showed brain a lot of hot young guys into secluded areas where the Pontiff and his minions can really show these impressionable young men just how our rods and staffs can comfort them.”
When contacted, Bishop Eddie Long and the Vatican had no comment.