Month: June 2010 Page 1 of 2
USA. Ghana. South Africa. With ex-President Bill Clinton, rock star for the ages Mick Jagger, and newly crowned NBA champion Kobe Bryant among the approximately 1,000,000,000 watching, the dreams of a nation collided headfirst with those of a continent. America was hoping that the glass slipper slid on and fit perfectly, and that they would be belle of the ball, dancing from the Sweet 16 into the Elite 8. Ghana was the last hope of a continent that in hosting this event for the first time in history, hoped to show the world the new face of Africa, steeped in tradition, but evolving into the new millennium. USA brought massive momentum following their death-defying last-second escape from Losers to Winners against Algeria. The Black Stars of Ghana were most recently beaten by Germany. The last, and only, time these teams met, was in the World Cup four years ago. Obviously many of the players, and the venue, had changed. But for Landon Donovan, Tim Howard, Clint Dempsey and many of the stalwarts of Team USA, they wished to wash down the bitter taste of that tainted defeat, when many on the team felt they did not step up and grab the moment by the throat as they should have, and they were robbed by yet another diabolical and dastardly referee’s decision. But all that was ancient history, as America and Africa squared off. Winner lives to fight another day, loser crawls home with their tails between their legs to a depressed nation.
American fans were praying to the soccer gods that their team would not dig themselves another premature grave from which they would be forced to claw their way out. Many were dismayed to see that Ricardo Clark, who looked so slow at the beginning of the England game, had been inserted into the lineup by coach Bob Bradley. And sure enough, Clark tried to dribbled past a physical, feisty Ghanaian. That may work back in the States, but not at the World Cup. Ricardo got stripped bare, left naked clutching at then air. Prince Boateng attacked the American goal like a hungry lion smelling blood. Again looking like they’ve been heavily sedated, the American defense did not react quickly enough. As the shot rolled in slow-motion toward a suddenly statuesque Tim Howard, the hearts of American soccer fans plummeted, plunging perilously as a sick sense of déjà vu froze their souls. It seemed almost impossible, but America had somehow done it again. Fallen behind practically before the game had even started. But there it was. The ball in the back of the American net. The scoreboard read: Ghana 1 – USA 0. There’s a certain kind of person who cannot function until they are under extreme threat. At first you think it’s an accident. But when you see Team USA cut their own fingers off over and over again, it begins to seem pathological. You want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them. Like that would help. You want to send him to therapy. Like that would help. Then you realize there’s really nothing you can do. It’s their problem, and they have to figure it out, all by themselves. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.
Like a kid who gets unexpectedly bitch-slapped, America looked stunned. Passes weren’t connecting, tackles were clumsy, heads not quite on straight. Ricardo Clark, trying to make amends, rushed in with a rash, hacking tackle. Yellow card. The defense looked too easy to pry open. And when Altidore finally did get a chance, he snatched at it crudely, instead of taking it smoothly. At the half-hour, Coach Bradley proved what a big man he is, and admitted he was wrong. He brought in Maurice Edu and took out Ricardo Clark.
At finally, in the 35th minute, Ghana’s defense revealed its own weakness. Dempsey found himself cruising in at the top of the area. He threaded a gorgeous pass right into the path of new boy Finley. And there it was, staring him right in the face, the beautiful open goal. All he had with slide t into the opening. The only things stopping him were: 1) Ghana’s large and most excellent goalkeeper, Kinston; 2) His own ability to seize the day and write his name in the history books. Sadly, from America’s perspective, he was able to overcome neither of these obstacles. The golden rule in soccer, as pundit Alan Black reminded us recently is, “You have to take your chances.” Ghana did. America didn’t. It was that simple.
Then, as happens so often in soccer, and indeed in life, in the flash of a blink of the wink of an eye, Ghana had gone from the attacked to the attacker. Jay DeMerit, as he is want to occasionally do, swung mightily at a ball and completely whiffed. And there was Ghana, barreling in on Howard. This time T-Ho represented, pulling off yet another world-class save.
Suddenly it was halftime, and if you were an American fan, you were wondering if you had already used up your last Get out of Jail Free card. You can only cut your nose off so many times before you spite your face. Alcohol was consumed in mass quantities by Americans everywhere. For in their hearts they believed that this team was a new incarnation of the Cardiac Kids. Never give in, never give up never say die.
Sure enough, after another great substitution by Bob Bradley, and barely a minute in, Feilhaber has a wide open look at goal. But his heavy first touch prevented him from going down in American history. And again, Kinston was huge in the Ghana goal, and once again he saved the day. But this seemed to spur team USA on, and they started pelting Ghana with everything they had. Chance after chance they created, but Africa is last Hope proved how big, skillful fit, fierce and physical they really are. Still, they did look ripe for the plucking. Of course the more you put out up front, the more exposed you are in the back. And this is what makes single elimination World Cup soccer so exciting. Because every time Ghana came streaming up the field, it looked like they would score.
And then finally it happened. Clint Dempsey made good. With a beautiful little flick of the tip of his boot, he skated by the center of the Ghana defense, only to be scythed down with cruel brutality. Up stepped Landon The Man Donovan, looking for all world like a gunslinger in an old-fashioned Western. As a nation held its breath, Donovan did what he does. Scores big goals. Admittedly, with perhaps an inch and a half to spare, but in the record book, it won’t show that this penalty bounced off the inside of the post before going in. History will record that Landon Donovan became the leading goalscorer in America’s World Cup history. USA 1 – Ghana 1.
USA seemed transformed, and if you watched carefully, you could actually see their balls growing by the moment. They started winning 50/50 balls. Defending with sharp hardness instead of tentative anxiety. Ghana’s cage looked rattled. And suddenly, Altidore was fed the kind of pass that had been largely absent in this game. But again, he did not seize the moment, and his heavy touch betrayed him. He put the ball too close to the massive Kinston, who came out and extinguished the fire. Then he stroked through a very nice pass to Michael Bradley, who was having yet another splendiferous game, clogging up the arteries defensively, and moving forward with dangerous alacrity. Bradley couldn’t quite score, but you sensed that it was coming. In the 80th minute, Altidore went off on another of us crashing runs, held off the clutches of the Ghanaian defender, and had a clear-cut look at goal. Problem was, he was tumbling at the same time, and it just wouldn’t fall right for him. In some ways, this is the story of the game.
By about the 85th minute, most American fan stopped breathing. An eerie silence settled over the entire country. They were hoping that the ball would be rifled into the Ghana net. And praying the sanctity of their own goal would not be violated.
As the overtime started, USA looked confident, as well they should have, considering they were much the better team in the second half. But of course, this is Team USA. Just when their fans feel good about their team, and about themselves, they stick their heads in the toilet and flush. A simple looking ball up the middle of the defense, two American defenders against one Ghanaian attacker. Sluggish, lumbering, uncertain, DeMerit and Bocanegra were undone, and the next thing anyone knew, the ball was whizzing over Tim Howard’s head, nearly ripping a hole in the back of the net.
Heads fell into the hands, eyes rolled up in heads, and disgusted sighs flew out of American mouths. They’d done it again. It’s as he if they were Pavlov dogs, and hearing the referees whistle to begin play, had been conditioned to fall sleep. Ghana 2 – USA 1. If you were an American fan who saw the glass as half empty, you were thinking: America had finally gone too far, betrayed themselves once too often, all was lost, failure inevitable. If you saw the glass as half-full, you were thinking: Well, now we’ve got them right where we want them.
They ran, legs weary, they hustled, hearts exhausted, but Team USA had put themselves under the gun once too often. Suddenly there were but 15 minutes remaining in America’s World Cup. Unless, of course, there was one last rabbit to be pulled out of one last hat.
Sadly, there was not. Try as they might, and they did try mightily, USA could not overcome their own inability to start games, and to take chances when they created them. And in the end, they could not overcome Africa and Ghana. Yes, America can certainly hold their heads high. They showed they can play. But they were also, in the words of Landon Donovan, “a bit naïve.” At this level, in the galaxy’s hottest spotlight, you cannot test the soccer gods too often. Eventually, if you lean hard and long enough on your own sword, you will fall upon it, and you will perish. American fans will thank this plucky underdog of a team for all the amazing heart-palpitating thrills. Just as next time around, in 2014 in Brazil, they will demand more.
Colin Powers, our man in South Africa, tells it like it is about the English.
I interview Missoula’s own Gary Stein in South Africa.
The Cup has debuted with some tentative, tetsing first steps for the most part. A win in game one is nice for a nation’s prospects; a loss can be completely damning, however. And so, the war of attrition format of the tourney encourages conservatism in the early stages, keeping your head above water, hoping for a stumble from one’s group mates, and then capitalizing when the math presents an opportunity. Unfortunately, this system has produced its fair share of duds across South Africa (with nerves, the ball, vuvuzellas, etc also serving as excuses), but expect round two to witness more aggressive tactics as sides have a clearer picture of what they need for advancement. Playing not to lose won’t cut it this time.
Livest scene I’ve seen so far of the tournament was for Australia v. Germany. White, southern hemisphere, former British colonial objects kinsmen that Oz and South Africa are, there was a massive and typically boisterous Aussie turnout in Durban. With rugby and cricket rivalries so prevalent in each countries sporting culture, there has long been an extensive exchange of ex-pats and traveling fans orienting a holiday trip around a variety of sporting contexts. The WC proved no different, and Oz did not disappoint as they hoped to build on the recent momentum of the Socceroos in challenging Aussie Rules Football, Rugby, and the Thorpedo for the mantel at Outback Steakhouse. The vuvuzellas have added decibels to every atmosphere, including the fan zones, but there was a different buzz in the early goings because of the partisan nature of the scene.
Unfortunately for Paul Hogan’s people, they were blitzkrieged from the jump by the typically efficient and calibrated German attack (although I should try to come up with better adjectives than the truisms listed above which have described German people since Bismarck’s Prussia). Ze Germans moved the ball with precision, quick and efficient in exploiting the gaping spaces left in the midfield by the deer-in-the-headlights Austrlians. Schweinsteiger’s maturity in the central midfield role particularly stook out to me as it was his direction, timing, and rhythm that keyed their cohesion going forward. In 2006, the Bayern Munich man seemed to be another talented player trapped within the mindset of style before substance, cheeky touches before subtlety and focus. He was a far different player last night, an essential development for the Ballack-less German team.
Within a few minutes, it was clear the Aussies lacked the athleticism and pace to successfully play the scrappy underdog role (a la the USA against superior talent), and the raucous crowd was soon silenced by a thunderous strike from Lukas Podolski. The Polish turncoat (like front-man partner Miroslav Klose) continues to shine for his ‘nation’, though he has yet to really establish himself at the club level. Sports are all about situation and opportunity. The World Cup is no different. When outgunned in the skill department, you need to win the physically, fitness, and work-rate contests. No such luck.
The Aussies had very limited options going forward, and though the dynamic Tim Cahill has always been a favorite of mine, the imposing German defense seemed to bother him throughout. When he was eventually sent off on a dubious decision by the referee, the Australians’ fate was sealed.
Solid result for America the other night. I watched the match over at the incredible Durban Fan Zone on South Beach. The only properly warm weather city in the ongoing South African winter, this Indian Ocean terminal has that laid back vibe of all temperate coastal spots. The racial composition is probably the most diverse I’ve seen in South Africa with a very large Indian population mixing along side the more central players in South Africa’s ethnography. Fan zone was jumping, and the early poke by freshly minted Captain Steven Gerrard provided the exact inauspicious beginning I was hoping to avoid.
That said, there is something about the English football mindset that simply does not project the same authority and dominance as the other fixtures amongst football’s top dogs. Arrogance and entitlement is expressed in calling their football governing body the Football Assocation (as opposed to every other country which calls their’s in one wording or another the German Football Assocation, the Brasilian Football Association, etc) are some of the guiding forces in their founding mythology. Originators of the sport, they still feel a superiority and ownership of football despite the nature of the game allowing for an indigenous and cultural redefinition of it in every place it gets established. With the Premiership the top club league in the world top to bottom (although that may change with financial problems at Liverpool and Manchester Utd as well as increasing income tax rate in the UK possibly driving big name players to Espana, Italy, etc), they can puff out their chest a little further.
However, competing with the smug self-absorption that their sensationalist media so propagates is also an underlying and inescapable feeling of fatalism. As Dempsey’s relatively innocuous try from the top of the box trickled past yet another English goalkeeper unprepared for the world stage, there was a pre-2004 Red Soxian grown of inevitability. The deepest stream of consciousness of every English supporter runs something like this: ‘Of course they would fuck up. They always do. Why the fuck did this have to happen against those loud, brutish Americans? Those new money charlatans? Bloody hell. Not on Maggie Thatcher’s watch. Tea, crumpets, rain. Tea, crumpets, rain’
The moment something ominous appears on the horizon, the narrative in their media, fandom, and perhaps within their team (though I think Capello is well-suited to reverse this confidence issue), becomes not a considersation of how to surmount the trouble, but how and in what painful manner they will be sunk this time around. Can there be any doubt of the result if England is to find themselves in another penalty shoot-out come the elimination stages?
Amurrica had its moments, controlling the first half in my humble and somewhat unnuanced opinion. They had it taken to them after the break but the defense and Timmy Howard held strong through the particularly forceful efforts of the man affectionately referred to as a synonym for the ass-balls connector in the male anatomy. However, while we are a squad more than capable of punching above our weight and capitalizing on counter-attacks against more gifted sides, we are not yet of the ability to really dominate the action and create from our own ingenuity against teams below our level. We negate and are opportunistic. Can we be positive? Thus, we must be very weary of both the Slovenians and Algerians.
All that said, I like our swag right now.
Definite chill in the air in Cape Town for Italy and Paraguay, the type that gets my nose running and shining in beautiful pinkish-red. Rain soaked the city in the morning and again broke through the heavens during match-time with temperatures somewhere in the 40s.
The Azzuri actually played a bit more aggressively than I anticipated. Nonetheless, their spacing and link-up play in the final third missed the beat all night, with the ultra-quick rain soaked pitch perhaps playing a role. They’re a ‘professional outfit’ in the fullest sense, a squad that always puts themselves in position to catch breaks when it matters. They gave the Cape Town crowd something of a better show than the Vichy did on opening night, but there does seem to be a void in the ‘talismanic’ playmaker role (favored word of British soccer announcers). Chances are they won’t beat themselves, but can they beat their opponents? Paraguay gave it an honest go and certainly had their fair share of chances, the 1-1 draw probably being the deserved result despite holding a lead into the 2nd half. The group is for the taking.
Interestingly, even after his stellar performance in the Confederation’s Cup last summer and his rising profile in La Liga, the American born Giuseppe Rossi was not included in Marcello Lippi’s Italian 25, the unfortunate reality of competing for a spot for one of the world’s elite. Shit, we’d welcome him back warmly if FIFA would allow. Anyway, he has displayed that rare goal-front machismo in the past so necessary for a nation’s hopes, and those finishing instincts may be missed for a team that is the very lifeblood of The Situation, the Jersey Shore, and everywhere hair-gel and graphic t’s reign supreme.
North Korea located their World Cup base camp in the most impoverished township I have seen to date in all of South Africa: Timbesa, a densely populated spot on the outskirts of Johannesburg. It’s a fairly incredible place, a shanty-town of corrugated tin shacks and port-a-potty bathroom facilities balanced by a network of food stalls, barber shops (by far more barber shops per capita than I’ve seen anywhere in the world, by the way), open-air tent set up banking centers, and cell-phone services (some of which probably of the black market variety). A huge tent on the periphery of town serves as church hall, and the streets teem with life every time I’ve passed through. Perhaps the most striking feature of the neighborhood is the immaculate, uniformed dress of the school children (a universal truth across South Africa), and though it might be an overstatement to identify that propriety with the larger sense of community pride the people feel in their dwellings, that thought recurred to me on a number of my journeys there.
Nevertheless, at its core the place is still devastingly poor. Many of the folks that have accompanied me out treat it somewhat like a zoo, locking the doors the moment the threshold of the hood is crossed and then gaping in patronizing wonderment at this slum-dog society, trying to store as many images as they can to immediately regurgitate it in a somewhat heroic narrative of adventure over a few beers at dinner later that night. A few comments will be passed on the unfortunate sadness of this reality, scape-goats will be discussed, whether the Afrikaaners of the past or the corrupt leadership of the present day, and with these words spoken, hands and consciences are wiped clean to enjoy another evening in the wonderful affluence of Sandton, Joburg’s gem of a suburb. I don’t know that I’m that much different; I just don’t talk as much, and I’m cool with walking around in those kind of neighborhoods…but I digress.
Anyway, it is somewhat funny and fitting that North Korea would select such a place to provide one of the few windows their nationals are afforded to the outside world. ‘Well, this is capitalism, boys. This is what happens without the prudence of the Great Leader. Without him, who has just finishing shooting a score of 25 for a round of 18 in golf, such a fate would befall us all.’ They won’t be television any matches live back in the land above the 38th parallel, only deciding after the fact if the team’s efforts are worthy of broadcast. Who knows, maybe they will just pick fifteen random people out of a crowd, give them yellow t-shirts, and announce the match-up as if it is Brasil v. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
P.S. anytime you need to emphasize the democratic nature of your country in your naming of it, you’re probably compensating for something.
Twice this past week I have flown from Durban in very early hours of the morning. Twice I have stopped into a convenience store on my way to grab a Vitamin Water (yes, Vitamin Water is now internationally ballin’). Twice I have been greeted by the soothing melody of R. Kelly’s hip-hopera ‘Trapped in the Closet’ on the store’s sound system. I can only hope they are playing the entire breathtaking saga and an interminable loop.
World Cup 2010 week one, and much has been revealed. With so much more to come.
It’s humid but pleasantly warm in Durban, the heat a welcome embrace in the wake of Cape Town’s night time chill. The stands of the beautifully designed and architecturally exquisite Moses Mabhida Stadium are empty beyond the eclectic collection prepping for tomorrow’s clash between Germany and Australia. Some volunteers are busy labeling seat numbers, others doing their best to look menacing in security capacities, a task betrayed by their kind smiles and readiness to pound it out when I’ve walked by. Elsewhere, FIFA personnel are swarming about configuring their cameras and all that jazz, while some Australian media are in tow to snap a couple photos and hope for something mildly interesting to transpire and give their match day preview stories something beyond the generic and recycled.
I am here because I stumbled upon what can only be the residue of divine favor. In the early hours of a May, New York morning, I received a phone call from a cousin I hadn’t had much interaction with in recent years. Now, these random confluences of circumstance do pop up from time, inevitable when you have over fifty first cousins. Indeed, my mother’s family, where she is one of eleven children, embodies the stereotypical ethos of an era in Ireland well before the crass modernity and narcissism of the Celtic Tiger, an era when the Catholic Church reigned with ultimate authority, Priests didn’t touch little children (or at least didn’t get caught), and birth control was a heathen’s luxury. Anyway, without drifting too far into historical polemics and the reasons why England could be blamed for all Ireland’s woes up until this recent economic disaster (maybe that too), I have a very big family. Furthermore, this over-achieving family of impoverished, agrarian heritage has begotten a generation of children spread across the economic landscape, one of whom has ascended to become a big man in turf studies and preparation. It was this cousin who phoned me, inquiring if I would like to come out to South Africa on his company’s dime to lend a hand in testing out the pitches, provide fodder for humor because of my Americanness (yes, most Europeans do still seem to think we’re all stupid and Bushian and gun-toting and God fearing and ‘lacking in subtlety’), and help out in an assortment of ways as young people without any established craft or skill-set are known to do. Nepotism is pretty cool when it’s in your favor, I must say.
As is such, this job has provided incredible access to the country of South Africa as well as World Cup operations and politicking from an angle that may or may not be somewhat interesting depending of course on the reader. If the social and racial dynamics of this vibrantly evolving nation is not your bag of tea, well, shit, good thing there are 10,000 media people covering the event who can probably provide something more to your liking. If the size of Thierry Henry’s ass (sorta big, he looked a little out of shape but he’s a big dude in general up close), the inner fat kid that Yohan Gourcuff’s style of running reveals when within shouting distance, or the unanimous distaste of the boisterous Cape Town crowd for French Manager Raymond Domenech also bores, you needn’t waste any more time with me. That being said, because of this j-o-b, I have been afforded a somewhat clandestine vantage point through which to observe the comings and goings and inner-workings of the Cup and all its surroundings (including a standing sideline position at a number of matches). Self-involved and self-important as is the fundamental and underlying nature of my generation, I figure I should write about this and share my perspective, wonderful observations and the other elements of egoism that come along with it. At least I am also self-aware.
With that as my introduction, I’ll jot down a few points purely from the football side of things before later getting on into the remarkable and pulsing energy of Soweto, the destitution/communal pride dichotomy of the Tembisa township, the breathtaking fortress style gentrification of South African society, the fear and fear-mongering of many visitors and the white establishment, respectively, and the different thoughts I have collected from a number of people on where this country is going and where it has been.
Love, romance, sex and the internet collide in this cool new anthology, co-edited by most excellent chicks Shawna Kenney & Cara Bruce. I will be reading my story about classic Craig’slist bait & switch smackdown on your truly.
Madame X: Tues, June 15, 7:30 pm, 94 W. Houston
Sex Worker Literati is moving uptown – and by uptown we mean the Bowery – for a lust-drenched 1 year anniversary cavalcade extravaganza. After packing them in downtown every month for year, Sex Worker Literati sheds its skin and reinvents itself at the great East Village landmark that has come to represent the finest in words: Bowery Poetry Club. Besides our usual collection of stranger than fiction tales from the seething underbelly of America’s sex trenches, we’re adding ultra-live music and brazen, bawdy burlesque. It hardly seems a year since the groundbreaking anthology Hos, Hookers, Call Girls and Rent Boys shocked America by rocketing onto the front page of the Sunday New York Times Book Review. Giving voice to an under represented population that is glorified and reviled, fetishized and stigmatized, worshiped and spat upon, from $5000 a night call girls to $10 crack hos to hard-working rent boys, Sex Worker Literati is the living breathing embodiment of this internationally acclaimed anthology. In the flesh. David Henry Sterry and Zoe Hansen will be riding herd over an all-star lineup of the finest ho writer/performers money can buy. & IT’S ALL STILL FREE!!!
In the exchange of sex for money, a window opens into the human soul. Take a peak. Cum laugh. Cum cry. Just cum.
It was a glorious day on Sunday for the Glorious World Cup when the glorious Liane Hanson interviewed me and my partner in crime on black. She was absolutely the pro’s pro. I’m afraid I have a bit of a radio crush on her at this point.
World Cup predictions: Group G
World Cup predictions: Group F
World Cup predictions: Group E
World Cup predictions: Group D
World Cup predictions: Group C
World Cup predictions: Group B
World Cup predictions: Group A
World Cup Group H
we’re all very excited to be on one of the great new services in the world today. Thank you Reuters.
Today is my birthday. I’m going to have very good pancakes and go see Henri Carter Bresson photographs and then some kind of spectacular meal and see some kind of spectacular theater. As I look back on May and forward to June there’s been so much done yet so much to do that my head spins. We finally got to the top of the mountain of The Essential Guide to Publishing a Book. The book is now in the hands of our incredibly excellent copy editor at Workman. It was a long excruciating climb through massive blizzards temperature dropping way below zero no sleep migraine clusterfuck headaches the closer we got to the less oxygen there was our Sherpas fled, and of course we’re hauling it 2 ½ year-old with us. Sadly, we lost a man. Milo didn’t make it this time. But he gave it his all, 110%, right til the very end. Given the proper burial and if there’s any justice, he’s up in Cat Heaven chasing that wind my, basking in the sun, frolicking in fields of catnip. But luckily, we have an incredible team at Workman, and we are planning a spectacular tour of these great United States, helping writers get well published.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatic’s Guide, kicked off, and the team has had a very bright beginning, lots of thrusting offense, some brave defending, and massive amounts of daily grinding. My partner in crime, San Francisco literary legend Alan Black, has been hacking and slashing all over the soccer blogosphere and set up a bunch of kick ass events in the Bay Area. Meanwhile, in my hometown of Montclair New Jersey, at my way awesome local book emporium Watchung Bookstore, we had a rocking soccer event as well. And here’s the beauty of both my new hometown and doing events at your local independent bookstore. I just happened to run into an expatriate Englishman who just happened to be purchasing a book. Turns out he works for Reuters, the international news service. Turns out he was looking for an American perspective on the world cup. I sent him something. He told me I needed to dial it back by approximately 42%. I did. And there it is, alive and kicking. We also had a piece of Arielle-related good fortune. She hooked us up with National Public Radio’s Weekend Edition. They asked us if we would like to be interviewed about the World Cup. We said yes. So on Thursday, through the miracle of modern technology, will be interviewed from Washington DC, with Alan in Berkeley, Ca, and myself in Montclair, NJ. I also put up a series of predictions for the World Cup which are extremely fanatical. The response has been amazing. I’ve been called everything from a fag to a genius, and I’ve made a new friend from Uruguay. And there it is, that’s the beauty of the beautiful game. So were going to San Francisco to do a bunch of soccer events. The big day is June 6. Three events I’m very excited about.
Major changes afoot with the Sex Worker Literati. We decided to move the show uptown. And by uptown, I mean the Bowery. Tres excited about our 1 year anniversary show at the legendary and absolutely fabulous Bowery Poetry Club. I just couldn’t think of a better place. Although I loved Happy Ending, it was just so tiny, and there was no stage. Now, the gloves are off. Throbbing music, wild stories of sex & $ from hard working hos, hustlers, call girls & rent boys, bumping burlesque, ribald questions and answers, I’m slightly dizzy with the possibilities. My most excellent new friend Zoe Hansen will be my cohost with the most. We’ll be taking the summer off, and having our 1 year anniversary extrvanganza in September. Details to follow. Audacia Ray will be continuing at Happy Ending Lounge, with a show entitled The Red Umbrella Project: http://www.redumbrellaproject.com/. This Thursday, totally psyched about my last Sex Worker Literati at Happy Ending: Passing and Coming Out, with amazing guests, Cameron were, Randy Newton, Sarah Jenny, and special guests from RentBoy.com, which has been much in the news recently due to some crazy political sex shenanigans.
Also, there’s a very cool event on Saturday, June 6, Sex Worker Cabaret. I had to drop out of the lineup, because of the events in San Francisco. But it’s a great great lineup, and I’m sad I won’t be part of it. http://www.sexworkercabaret.com/
The Glorious World Cup:
Thursday, June 3, 7 PM, Green Apples Books, 506 Clement St., San Francisco (I will not be at this event, I will be doing a Sex Worker Literati that Happy Ending in New York City)
Saturday, June 5, 10 AM, NPR’s West Coast Live, Ferry Building, Embarcadero, SF
Saturday, June 5, 3 PM, Borders Books, 400 Post St., SF: http://bit.ly/bkTDrl
Saturday, June 5, 8 PM, Edinburgh Castle Pub, 950 Geary St., SF: http://bit.ly/9nF45r
(A goal will be built, and the public is welcome to take your best shot and try to beat yours truly, who will be manning the goal and talking a lot of smack)
Huffington Post piece: American Manhood from Mickey Mantle to Landon Manchild Donovan, and Why America Can When the World Cup: http://huff.to/c4OEri
Digital Sports Daily piece: http://bit.ly/cd9IE8
Glorious World Cup Predictions
Group A: http://bit.ly/b9DGs
Group B: http://bit.ly/ba99lC
Group C: http://bit.ly/bcqBFJ
Group D: http://bit.ly/bHMxnO
Group E: http://bit.ly/9Oy2sT
Group F: http://bit.ly/cn4xsW
Group H: http://bit.ly/bHKcPQ
Group G: http://bit.ly/b3wXnE
GROUP H: YES: Spain & Chile NO: Honduras, Switzerland
Spain is in theory the #1 team in the world. They are the odds-on favorite to win the World Cup. They have an absolutely gorgeous goalscoring machine in Fernando Torres. His cheeks are so rosy and his eyelashes are so long, he looks like a cheesecake pinup model. And he can flat out play. They have a bad boy defender was perhaps the worst haircut at this edition of the World Cup, Carlos Puyol. “Tarzan” from Barcelona sports a ‘do that equal parts Conan the Barbarian, Prince Valiant, and trailer trash mullet. Many are predicting Spain are the will go all the way. I am not. While they have the capability of playing better than anyone, they have deep insecurities regarding their own national identity. They see themselves as the inferior cousins of Europe, and in the end they will fold like a house of cards, while falling apart like a cheap suit. Chile will make it through to the next round if for no other reason than their coach’s nickname is “The Madman”. Switzerland is much like a clock when it comes to soccer. They’re not fast, they’re not slow, they just keep on ticking. The good news is, they don’t allow very many goals. The bad news is, they almost score even less. Honduras? They have two chances of making it through to the next round. Slim and none.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
GROUP G: YES: Brazil & Ivory Coast NO: Portugal, North Korea
Every World Cup has a group that makes its players and fans quiver in fright and shiver in terror: The Group of Death. And if you had to face Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast and Portugal, you’d be quivering and shivering too. Brazil is, and always will be, Brazil. Yes, they no longer play some football, but they’re so good they didn’t have room for one of the highest paid soccer players in the world, Ronaldinho. Robinho, Luisao, Kaka, with all their one name superstars, they are certainly the Madonna of world soccer. And this time around, they also have some bad ass defenders, and a hotshot goalie. Good luck everybody. That being said, last year in South Africa at about this time, Team USA laid some hard wood on Brazil, and should’ve beaten them handily in the Confederations Cup. Portugal has the player with the greatest ratio of pretty boy to talent of any athlete in the world. Cristiano Ronaldo is ridiculously, sickly talented, and so easy on the eyes it almost hurts to look at him. The downside: he’s a delicate genius, fragile as a hothouse flower. And while he is surrounded by lots of world-class one-name superstars like Deco and Nani, the only reason they got to South Africa was the Ingmar Bergman like death swoon that Sweden performed at the end of World Cup qualifying. The Ivory Coast should go a long way in this tournament. Didier Drogba is possibly the best striker in the world, a man with Michael Jordan like strength, skill and breathholding athleticism. He builds hospitals, he scores goals. Kolo Toure is not only a fun name to say out loud, he is also a wise and savvy hardman who has a nose for goal and a very talented younger brother named Yaya. “Yaya, Kolo, time for supper.” Then there’s Salomon Kalou. If Kolo Toure married Salomon Kalou, he’d be Kolo Kalou. Didn’t think I’d find a way to work gay marriage into the World Cup did you? The point is, Ivory Coast is packed with take-no-prisoner tough guys who are also highly skilled practitioners of their craft. I’ll say it again, the Ivory Coast should go a long way in this tournament. And then there’s North Korea. Yes, they will terrify people with their nuclear capability, and surprise people with their bright attacking style, but sadly, I believe the group of death will kill them.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
GROUP F: YES: Italy & Paraguay NO: New Zealand, Slovakia
The last time we saw Italy at the World Cup Final, they were saying rude things about people’s sisters, getting head butted, and dancing gleefully with the trophy. They are back with much of the same crew intact. They still have that mad handsome dashing cat between the posts, Gianluigi Buffon. If he's not the best goalkeeper in the world, he's certainly on the short list. But they're old and they're slow and Gatusso, the barking dog, is getting long in tooth, his bark becoming increasingly worse than his bite. Yes, they will get through this round, if for no other reason than Buffon is no buffoon. But will they be the first repeat winners since Brazil almost half a century ago? I don't think so. No, make that, absolutely not. New Zealand? I just don't see it team named after a fruit, even a fruit as adorable as a kiwi, making it through. Slovakia? They got to South Africa courtesy of a Polish own goal, so I believe they are doomed. Paraguay’s best player has a world-class name, Roque Santa Cruz. The fact that they hacked their way out of the jungles of South America, (good preparation for success in almost any field) I believe they will make it through to the next round.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
GROUP E: YES: Netherlands & Cameroon NO: Japan & Denmark
I can’t help it, I am so on love with this Holland team I want to marry it. .Robin van Persie is like a cross between Dutch Master Johann Cruyff and the little boy who put his finger in the dyke. Arjen Robbin, in addition to being an absolutely fabulous artiste with the ball at his feet, is also a diva of divers, ready to crumble in agony when struck by a stiff breeze. But can they win the whole thing? Absolutely not. They are, after all, Dutch. They will eventually, inevitably disintegrate like a bunch of spoiled high strung schoolgirls. The Danes have some seasoned veterans, but their dark brooding nature is an insurmountable obstacle. Cameroon, the Indomitable Lions (greatest team name ever!), do in fact have an indomitable lion spearheading their enterprise, the resplendent Samuel Eto’o. And they are buttressed by a splendid hardman who is part of World Cup history. Rigobert Song is not only the youngest player ever to be ejected from a World Cup, when he was given the heave ho at the tender age of 17. He is also one of two players to be sent off at two different World Cups. You may have heard of the other: Zinadane Zidane. I’m rooting for Rigobert to break the record. The Japanese have perhaps my favorite uniform in the tournament. But they can’t score goals. Which makes it very difficult to win games. So I believe Japan will fall on their own sword in South Africa.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
GROUP D: YES: Serbia & Ghana NO: Australia & Germany
If Group G is the Group of Death, Group D is the Group of Do Not Resuscitate. A crazy melting pot of bizarre juxtapositions, these surreal pairings are just one of the reasons I love the World Cup above all other sporting events. Germany is, well, Germany. It doesn't really matter how much they suck leading up to the World Cup. They still have Thomas "Der Hammer” Hitzlberger, and all that maniacal Mercedes-Benz precision. But without Michael Ballack, their cultured, stylish, stiletto-sharp midfield maestro, they can't make it to the Finals. The Socceroos? How do you not love a country who calls their team that? And Australia has some playaz: Lucas Neill, a very handsome fellow you'd never want to meet in a dark alley in. Ghana is a fierce beast. Led by one of my favorite players on the planet, Michael "The Bison" Essien, the Black Stars are a dark horse capable of laying a righteous beat down on anyone. Serbia has been through so many brutal wars they can take anything you have to dish out and just stare back without blinking or batting an eye or a lash. They have a great hardman was a great hardman name: Vidic. Vidic the Impaler. Vidic the Slayer. Vidic the Vicious. They have a deep squad full of hard-working technicians of the highest caliber. I would not want to face them. Very tough group, I'm going way out on a limb here and picking Serbia and Ghana, but I don't feel good about it.
GROUP C: YES: USA & England NO: Algeria & Slovenia
June 12, 2010. USA versus England, the imperialist colonizers who taxed us with no representation. 60 years to the day after the greatest American sports upset you never heard of. 1950, World Cup, Brazil, long before information could fly around the world at the speed of light, a ragtag group of plucky, scruffy unknowns went up against England, the self-proclaimed "greatest soccer team in the world". No one gave uber-underdog Americans a ghost of a chance against the pampered, privileged, pedigreed professionals. How little the world has changed. England boasts a cavalcade of superstar millionaires with beautiful wives and girlfriends, some of whom their own teammates have sex with on the sly (giving the phrase, "I got your back," a whole new meaning). US is a 66-1 longshot. But mark my words and mark them well, if the holy triumvirate of T-Ho, the fiercely mighty Tim Howard, Clint Eastwood Dempsey, and Landon Manchild Donovan are all healthy, they will smack England down, just as they did 60 years ago. Algeria? Slovenia? Thank you for coming to the dance, better luck next time. And don't think this draw is an accident. The powers that be, and all their money, desperately want America and England to: a) play each other in their debuts with galatic ratings off the charts; 2) make it through to the next round against some weak-ass opponents. All due respect to Alvenia and Slogeria. In fact, there's A LOT riding on the US hosting the World Cup in the near future. Don't be surprised to see self-confessed soccer fanatic President Barack Obama give some serious face time to South Africa this summer.
GROUP B: YES: Argentina & Nigeria NO: South Korea & Greece
Argentina has, pound-for-pound, the greatest player in the world, The Flea with the genius feet, Lionel Messi. Yes, he does weigh 104 lbs. soaking wet, but still, the man is a maestro, a modern artist/dancer/madman. Problem is, Argentina also has the craziest coach, not just in soccer, but in any sport (and that’s a bold statement given the well-documented craziness of coaches), scorer of probably the greatest individual goal in World Cup history, Diego Maradona. They will make it through by sheer dint of the miniscule magician. With midfield marvel John Obi Wan Kanobi Mikel waving his wand doling out punishment, they will be a scary scary foe. Even though Greece recently won the European championship, and have a most excellent team, their entire economy’s in the toilet, so naturally they’re going to tank. South Korea has the hardest working soccer player in show business, Manchester United’s Energizer Bunny, Park-Ji-Sung, but after that they are woefully thin and wickedly undermanned.
Hundreds of millions of humans will soon gather in bars, barns, parks, taverns, caverns, caravans, caves and bunkers, some crossing vast deserts just to find a radio so they can listen to a sporting extravaganza that’ll be bigger than the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, NBA Finals and will at the Ohio 200 of them “World” Series all rolled into one. It’s humanity’s biggest pilgrimage: the World Cup. The pot’s been simmering for four years, and it’s finally coming to a boil. 204 teams played 848 matches and scored 2,337 goals, battling hammer and tong, tooth and nail for the right to become one of the chosen 32 nations who gets a chance to bring home both the bacon and the gory. June 11, 2010, strap it on and strap him yourself in, as the mother of all sporting events crashlands for the first time in history on the mother of all continents. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for, live from a Jo’berg, it’s, World Cup 2010 South Africaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
The World Cup is a month long marathon disguised as a series of furious sprints. Lemme break it down fa ya. Group Stage: 8 groups of 4 teams. Everybody plays 3 games. Top 2 go teams through. Elimination Stage: win and live to fight another day; lose & it’s instant extermination.
GROUP A: YES: France & South Africa NO: Mexico & Uruguay
Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I’m picking South Africa make it through to the round of 16. Bafana Bafana, Zulu for “the Boys”, has a world-class forward in double-somersaulting Stephen Pienaar, and a hulking, humongous, yet surpisingly skillful shaved-bald defender in Matthew Booth, who looks shockingly like a huge Q-tip. Plus they will have the maniacal sound of 1 billion vuvuzelas, their ear-bleedingly loud local noisemakers, trumpeting their every triumph. Plus this is a nation that overcame hatred and pain in part through the beautiful game. Call me a bitter cynic, but I’m also picking France to advance. After the galling display of Gallic dishonor in the infamous Hand of Henry cheating scandal, they’ve come to represent the way the world is now. Turns out cheating is, after all, the best way to win. If you don’t believe me, go ask Goldman Sachs. Mexico? Having watched the fiery Mexicans go cold in the hot spotlight so many times over the decades, I believe our neighbors to the south are a taco short of a Combo Platter. Uruguay? Too much bad karma. Their legacy of World Cup brutality is well documented, most famously in the person of José Batista, ejected 53 seconds into a 1986 game for chopping a Scotsman in half.