David Henry Sterry

Author, book doctor, raker of muck

David Henry Sterry

Month: March 2010

Vatican Announces Video Series: Priests Gone Wild!!!

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The Pope and his people, reacting to recent allegations that he actively participated in covering up for pedophile priests who violently and repeatedly raped deaf boys, are allegedly on the verge of making a deal with legendary producer Joe Francis to produce a video series tentatively titled, “Priests Gone Wild.”

“The Pope is totally stoked,” alleged one of his closest confidant, resplendently decked out in a purple ermine-trimmed robe glittering with Papal bling, “he’s talking about a director’s cut, he’s gonna do a bonus audio track, and we put together a blooper reel that is seriously lol.I thank God every day I got in on the ground floor of this because it’s gonna be huge.We’re going to do a whole line of Papally blessed adult products.The Vicar of Jesus Prostate Massager, the Pontiff Pocket P*ssy, and my favorite the Pope on a Rope, which is a soap and a fun adult toy for the whole family that leaves you feeling holy and clean inside and out.”

After decades of Catholic priests preying upon the very children whose souls and care they were responsible for, and the systematic cover-up of this sexual abuse, the latest news that Pope Benedict XVI, when he was Cardinal John Ratzinger, personally stifled the investigation of yet another pedophile priest has rocked the Vatican.Coming as it does on the heels of a gay prostitution ring supplying male hustlers to higher-ups in the very heart of the Catholic Church, the fact that this time the priest, Milwaukee’s Lawrence Murphy, is accused of sexually molesting over 200 deaf boys over the course of a quarter decade, has caused a firestorm of controversy.Add this to the fact that in Italy over 20 predator priests have been sexually victimizing upwards of 50 deaf boys and girls at the Antonio Provolo Institute for the Deaf, and even the most devout Catholics are beginning to wonder why the Church has become a haven for fostering and protecting men who have sex with children.Alessandro Vantini, a survivor of relentless sodomizing at the hands of Catholic priests, declared that eventually he felt like, “I was dead.”And just two weeks ago, it was revealed that when Ratzinger was in charge of the archdiocese of Munich, he facilitated yet another predator priest who was sexually violating children.In fact, over 5,000 priests and deacons worldwide have been identified as sexual and physical abusers of minors, many of them in orphanages and reform schools.  Only 2% of those priests have received prison sentences.  In Ireland, the Catholic Church has settled with 48 victims, costing over €8 million, which outraged parishioners are now being asked to pay.In America the settlements have been staggering.In Pittsburgh, $1.25 million; in San Diego, $198 million; and in the Los Angeles diocese alone has paid out over $750 million.  When you add all this up it’s easy to see why the Pope and the entire Catholic hierarchy were keen to rethink their strategy as they move forward in the wake of almost universal hatred.

“Hey, Pope Benny 26 is fed up.He’s pissed off,” one of his inner circle is alleged to have said, “and he wants to show everybody they have messed with the wrong Holy Father.I mean seriously, why are they always picking on us?Just because we enjoy using children for sex, that doesn’t make us evil.Lots of people are doing it.And these kids, especially the deaf ones, are now much closer to God because of all the holy bodily fluid the Catholic Church pumped into them for years.But that’s all the past.We’re putting a whole new spin on the brand.The Pope’s gonna be rocking YouTube, he’s getting his blog on, he’s all Twittered up, I’m serious, the man is a tweeting machine.And he told me today he’s bound and determined, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, to have more followers than Ashton Kutcher and Conan O’Brien combined.The Prince of the Apostles is going viral baby, this is definitely not your father’s Pope!So, we’ve got all this cool product we’re about to launch, and we’re developing a new Nuns Gone Wild Spring Break series that is mad hot, I mean crazy off the hook hot, believe me, nobody parties harder than a drunk nun.Not only is it going to make the Pope a serious playa, but we can use the money to pay off all the lawsuits.Win-win, right?”

When contacted, the Vatican refused to comment.

Kind Words from Valley Haggard of the James River Writers

Valley Haggard, who produces live events for the James River Writers sent me this lovely message in regards to a panel I was on the cheaper together in Richmond Virginia.  This is one of the things I love about being a writer, getting to participate it amazing conversations with brilliant, insightful, passionate, dedicated articulate artists.

“David: your energy, verve, spark, outlandish but practical experiences and amazing ability to come back around to your point no matter how far afield you’ve gone are completely unparalleled this side of the Mason Dixon. Thank you- immeasurably- for sharing your fire with us.”

“I Hate Fags, but I Love Sucking D*ck, and I’m Real Sorry” – Sen. Roy Ashburn

“I can’t help myself, I crave men meat, and I crave lots of it, all the time.  But I’m a Christian, I love Jesus, I hate Satan, so I think queers, fags, dykes, and all other perverts are agents of the devil and should be destroyed.  And as sweet baby Jesus is my witness, I’m real real real sorry.”

This is allegedly the first draft of an apology written by state Sen. Roy Ashburn, of Bakersfield California.  He was apologizing for being pulled over early in the morning on Wednesday, March 3, and arrested for driving drunk.  He had allegedly been partying at FACES, Sacramento’s premier gay, lesbian, and transgendered nightclub since 1985.  Next to him was an unidentified allegedly extremely attractive and incredibly homosexual man.  Those in Ashburn’s inner circle allegedly talked him into a kinder, gentler apology.  Ashburn said he was sorry for his “poor judgment.”  He went on to, “accept complete possibility” for his actions and, that he was, “prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.” 

Sen. Ashburn has a long history of fiery and outspoken opposition to gay rights.  He organized many events supporting his Traditional Family Values agenda, which was based in part on attacking homosexuals and fighting against gay marriage.  Rather than turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbors as thyself, these displays of intolerance and hatred were often cloaked in the disguise of “Christianity”. 

This came as quite a surprise to patrons of FACES.  One alleged regular, who allegedly referred to himself as Chi Chi, was allegedly visibly upset when informed of Sen. Ashburn’s voting record regarding gay rights.  “Are you kidding me?  That queen was flitting around here like Tinkerbell on Halloween, and at the same time gay bashing in the Senate and shit?!  She better not show her saggy white ass around here again, I can tell you that!”

Sen. Ashton has subsequently come out of the crowded Republican closet, and confessed to being gay.  It came as a great shock to most of his constituents, who naturally assumed from his actions that he had nothing but ill will toward homosexuals.  According to an unknown source, it did not, however, come as a surprise to his children, or the wife from whom he is divorced.

This is just the latest in a long line of Republican conservative politicians who simultaneously attacked gay rights, while engaging in semipublic homosexual sex.  Florida State Rep. Bob Allen, a Republican who was long in bed with John McCain; Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, a Republican who was trying to have anonymous gay sex in an airport; Mark Foley, who was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited children, while trying to have homosexual sex with teenagers; rabid gay basher Ted Haggard, an evangelist and alleged lover of George Bush, who hired male prostitutes to have gay sex with him.

Why have so many diehard Republican politicians who made their bones attacking homosexuality turned out to be “queer as a $2.00 bill”?  We asked one of Sen. Roy Ashburn’s inner circle.  Off the record, he alleged said, “It’s like that story Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  No, maybe it’s like that Jerry Lewis movie that Eddie Murphy did, where the professor drinks the potion and turns into a crazy sex maniac.  Or no, that new movie where the guy becomes a werewolf.  Yeah, I guess it’s like all those movies put together.  Actually I think that all those hateful things all those rich stupid white man politicians queens say about the homos is really about player hating themselves.  Roy Roy, he hates that part of himself that loves getting banged by a dude.  I think it’ll be better now that he’s all out and free to be you and me.  It’s a relief for all of us actually, because now we can all come out.  This is going to be the coolest office ever.”

Calls to the office of Sen. Ashburn were not returned.



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