Everybody’s screaming about steroids. Steroids are bad! Steroids are horrible. Steroids are a curse. We spend all this time and money debating and policying and testing. I say we’ve got it all wrong. We should embrace steroids. Steroids are the future. It’s evolution. Its survival of the fittest, not the most drug-free. You think when the cave men were running from the saber-toothed tiger they had time to get drug tested. Hell no! Do you know why? Cuz they’d be dead that’s why. Look science is what separates us from the beast. That and porn on the internet. And weapons of mass destruction. You don’t see NASCAR doin’ cart and buggy races. Nobody wants a basketball game where short white guys shoot two handed set shots. Nobody wants to see skinny little dudes hit fly balls to the warning track. We don’t want slower 100 yard dashes. When I see a linebacker hunting down a flanker comin’ over the middle, I wanna see him take the guy’s head off, snap him in two, leave him a twisted wreck while he roars over the fallen warrior like a gladiator screaming triumphantly over a dead Christian.
I say we have two games. One for steroided athletes. The other for Naturals, we’ll call them. Let the roideds get as big as they want. Breed them so every generation gets bigger faster and stronger. Maybe if Marion Jones and Barry Bonds mated when they were chock full of human growth hormones they could produce and evolutionary marvel, a new missing link that takes us as a species to the next level. I mean come on. How cool would it be to see a baseball hit a thousand feet, a 100 meter dash in five seconds a golfer drive a drive on a 550 yard par five, the Tour de France winner racing the whole course without ever once stopping.
New ideas are scary. The all laughed at Christopher Columbus said the world was round. They laughed at Al Gore when he invented the internet. But who’s laughing now.
You can’t fight evolution. If you don’t believe me, go ask a dinosaur.
I say, instead of moaning and groaning about steroids, let’s make them our friend. If you wanna be a Natural, be a Natural, but if you don’t mean your reproductive organs shrivel and breaking out in acne and decreasing your life expectancy I say that’s your right. I for one relish the chance to see a 650lb shortstop hitting a 200 mph fastball outta the Grand Canyon.