HBO/Children Television Network’s Emmy Award Winning series Encyclopedia was one of my favorite jobs. Here’s me being Lief Ericson rock star.
Category: Comedy Page 2 of 4
From HBO/CTW Encyclopedia
I was honored to play George Washington, father of our country, on HBO’s award winning show Encyclopedia.
Is she right, or is he wrong? You be the judge.
One of my favorite trannies in the world, funny, fierce & fabulous Princess Paulina.
GROUP H: YES: Spain & Chile NO: Honduras, Switzerland
Spain is in theory the #1 team in the world. They are the odds-on favorite to win the World Cup. They have an absolutely gorgeous goalscoring machine in Fernando Torres. His cheeks are so rosy and his eyelashes are so long, he looks like a cheesecake pinup model. And he can flat out play. They have a bad boy defender was perhaps the worst haircut at this edition of the World Cup, Carlos Puyol. “Tarzan” from Barcelona sports a ‘do that equal parts Conan the Barbarian, Prince Valiant, and trailer trash mullet. Many are predicting Spain are the will go all the way. I am not. While they have the capability of playing better than anyone, they have deep insecurities regarding their own national identity. They see themselves as the inferior cousins of Europe, and in the end they will fold like a house of cards, while falling apart like a cheap suit. Chile will make it through to the next round if for no other reason than their coach’s nickname is “The Madman”. Switzerland is much like a clock when it comes to soccer. They’re not fast, they’re not slow, they just keep on ticking. The good news is, they don’t allow very many goals. The bad news is, they almost score even less. Honduras? They have two chances of making it through to the next round. Slim and none.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
http://www.amazon.com/Glorious-World-Cup-Fanatics-Guide/dp/0451230205
GROUP E: YES: Netherlands & Cameroon NO: Japan & Denmark
I can’t help it, I am so on love with this Holland team I want to marry it. .Robin van Persie is like a cross between Dutch Master Johann Cruyff and the little boy who put his finger in the dyke. Arjen Robbin, in addition to being an absolutely fabulous artiste with the ball at his feet, is also a diva of divers, ready to crumble in agony when struck by a stiff breeze. But can they win the whole thing? Absolutely not. They are, after all, Dutch. They will eventually, inevitably disintegrate like a bunch of spoiled high strung schoolgirls. The Danes have some seasoned veterans, but their dark brooding nature is an insurmountable obstacle. Cameroon, the Indomitable Lions (greatest team name ever!), do in fact have an indomitable lion spearheading their enterprise, the resplendent Samuel Eto’o. And they are buttressed by a splendid hardman who is part of World Cup history. Rigobert Song is not only the youngest player ever to be ejected from a World Cup, when he was given the heave ho at the tender age of 17. He is also one of two players to be sent off at two different World Cups. You may have heard of the other: Zinadane Zidane. I’m rooting for Rigobert to break the record. The Japanese have perhaps my favorite uniform in the tournament. But they can’t score goals. Which makes it very difficult to win games. So I believe Japan will fall on their own sword in South Africa.
The Glorious World Cup: A Fanatics Guide is, pound for pound, the funniest book about World Cup 2010 on the market today.
http://www.amazon.com/Glorious-World-Cup-Fanatics-Guide/dp/0451230205
GROUP B: YES: Argentina & Nigeria NO: South Korea & Greece
Argentina has, pound-for-pound, the greatest player in the world, The Flea with the genius feet, Lionel Messi. Yes, he does weigh 104 lbs. soaking wet, but still, the man is a maestro, a modern artist/dancer/madman. Problem is, Argentina also has the craziest coach, not just in soccer, but in any sport (and that’s a bold statement given the well-documented craziness of coaches), scorer of probably the greatest individual goal in World Cup history, Diego Maradona. They will make it through by sheer dint of the miniscule magician. With midfield marvel John Obi Wan Kanobi Mikel waving his wand doling out punishment, they will be a scary scary foe. Even though Greece recently won the European championship, and have a most excellent team, their entire economy’s in the toilet, so naturally they’re going to tank. South Korea has the hardest working soccer player in show business, Manchester United’s Energizer Bunny, Park-Ji-Sung, but after that they are woefully thin and wickedly undermanned.
http://www.amazon.com/Glorious-World-Cup-Fanatics-Guide/dp/0451230205
Hundreds of millions of humans will soon gather in bars, barns, parks, taverns, caverns, caravans, caves and bunkers, some crossing vast deserts just to find a radio so they can listen to a sporting extravaganza that’ll be bigger than the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, NBA Finals and will at the Ohio 200 of them “World” Series all rolled into one. It’s humanity’s biggest pilgrimage: the World Cup. The pot’s been simmering for four years, and it’s finally coming to a boil. 204 teams played 848 matches and scored 2,337 goals, battling hammer and tong, tooth and nail for the right to become one of the chosen 32 nations who gets a chance to bring home both the bacon and the gory. June 11, 2010, strap it on and strap him yourself in, as the mother of all sporting events crashlands for the first time in history on the mother of all continents. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for, live from a Jo’berg, it’s, World Cup 2010 South Africaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
The World Cup is a month long marathon disguised as a series of furious sprints. Lemme break it down fa ya. Group Stage: 8 groups of 4 teams. Everybody plays 3 games. Top 2 go teams through. Elimination Stage: win and live to fight another day; lose & it’s instant extermination.
GROUP A: YES: France & South Africa NO: Mexico & Uruguay
Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I’m picking South Africa make it through to the round of 16. Bafana Bafana, Zulu for “the Boys”, has a world-class forward in double-somersaulting Stephen Pienaar, and a hulking, humongous, yet surpisingly skillful shaved-bald defender in Matthew Booth, who looks shockingly like a huge Q-tip. Plus they will have the maniacal sound of 1 billion vuvuzelas, their ear-bleedingly loud local noisemakers, trumpeting their every triumph. Plus this is a nation that overcame hatred and pain in part through the beautiful game. Call me a bitter cynic, but I’m also picking France to advance. After the galling display of Gallic dishonor in the infamous Hand of Henry cheating scandal, they’ve come to represent the way the world is now. Turns out cheating is, after all, the best way to win. If you don’t believe me, go ask Goldman Sachs. Mexico? Having watched the fiery Mexicans go cold in the hot spotlight so many times over the decades, I believe our neighbors to the south are a taco short of a Combo Platter. Uruguay? Too much bad karma. Their legacy of World Cup brutality is well documented, most famously in the person of José Batista, ejected 53 seconds into a 1986 game for chopping a Scotsman in half.
English Teachers Award
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The Pope and his people, reacting to recent allegations that he actively participated in covering up for pedophile priests who violently and repeatedly raped deaf boys, are allegedly on the verge of making a deal with legendary producer Joe Francis to produce a video series tentatively titled, “Priests Gone Wild.”
“The Pope is totally stoked,” alleged one of his closest confidant, resplendently decked out in a purple ermine-trimmed robe glittering with Papal bling, “he’s talking about a director’s cut, he’s gonna do a bonus audio track, and we put together a blooper reel that is seriously lol.I thank God every day I got in on the ground floor of this because it’s gonna be huge.We’re going to do a whole line of Papally blessed adult products.The Vicar of Jesus Prostate Massager, the Pontiff Pocket P*ssy, and my favorite the Pope on a Rope, which is a soap and a fun adult toy for the whole family that leaves you feeling holy and clean inside and out.”
After decades of Catholic priests preying upon the very children whose souls and care they were responsible for, and the systematic cover-up of this sexual abuse, the latest news that Pope Benedict XVI, when he was Cardinal John Ratzinger, personally stifled the investigation of yet another pedophile priest has rocked the Vatican.Coming as it does on the heels of a gay prostitution ring supplying male hustlers to higher-ups in the very heart of the Catholic Church, the fact that this time the priest, Milwaukee’s Lawrence Murphy, is accused of sexually molesting over 200 deaf boys over the course of a quarter decade, has caused a firestorm of controversy.Add this to the fact that in Italy over 20 predator priests have been sexually victimizing upwards of 50 deaf boys and girls at the Antonio Provolo Institute for the Deaf, and even the most devout Catholics are beginning to wonder why the Church has become a haven for fostering and protecting men who have sex with children.Alessandro Vantini, a survivor of relentless sodomizing at the hands of Catholic priests, declared that eventually he felt like, “I was dead.”And just two weeks ago, it was revealed that when Ratzinger was in charge of the archdiocese of Munich, he facilitated yet another predator priest who was sexually violating children.In fact, over 5,000 priests and deacons worldwide have been identified as sexual and physical abusers of minors, many of them in orphanages and reform schools. Only 2% of those priests have received prison sentences. In Ireland, the Catholic Church has settled with 48 victims, costing over €8 million, which outraged parishioners are now being asked to pay.In America the settlements have been staggering.In Pittsburgh, $1.25 million; in San Diego, $198 million; and in the Los Angeles diocese alone has paid out over $750 million. When you add all this up it’s easy to see why the Pope and the entire Catholic hierarchy were keen to rethink their strategy as they move forward in the wake of almost universal hatred.
“Hey, Pope Benny 26 is fed up.He’s pissed off,” one of his inner circle is alleged to have said, “and he wants to show everybody they have messed with the wrong Holy Father.I mean seriously, why are they always picking on us?Just because we enjoy using children for sex, that doesn’t make us evil.Lots of people are doing it.And these kids, especially the deaf ones, are now much closer to God because of all the holy bodily fluid the Catholic Church pumped into them for years.But that’s all the past.We’re putting a whole new spin on the brand.The Pope’s gonna be rocking YouTube, he’s getting his blog on, he’s all Twittered up, I’m serious, the man is a tweeting machine.And he told me today he’s bound and determined, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, to have more followers than Ashton Kutcher and Conan O’Brien combined.The Prince of the Apostles is going viral baby, this is definitely not your father’s Pope!So, we’ve got all this cool product we’re about to launch, and we’re developing a new Nuns Gone Wild Spring Break series that is mad hot, I mean crazy off the hook hot, believe me, nobody parties harder than a drunk nun.Not only is it going to make the Pope a serious playa, but we can use the money to pay off all the lawsuits.Win-win, right?”
When contacted, the Vatican refused to comment.
“If we can save $100 mill, f*ck custmores, make more money! 34 deaths is well below acceptable casualty level. Today America, tomorrow the world!” This internal e-mail was allegedly leaked from deep within the inner sanctum of Toyota’s US president, Jim Lentz, and CC’d to all top level Toyota executives including Akio Toyoda, grandson of Toyota’s founder, and currently the president of Toyota Motor Corp.. “Shame on you, Toyota for being so greedy!” Rhonda Smith, a victim of Toyota’s neglect, cried angrily at a recent congressional hearing. She was voicing America’s rage at Toyota’s preference for obscene profits over the safety of their customers. This was one of just three congressional hearings held recently in Washington to determine what is to be done about Toyota specifically, and the automobile industry in general, to protect Americans from dying needlessly in their cars.
But there has been a cloud of suspicion around these hearings, as it was revealed that the automobile behemoth made massive contributions to over 40% of the congressman who are supposed to be investigating them, including head of the U.S. Senate committee on Commerce, Science and transportation, Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia.
“No need to worry about senators and congressmen, we bought and paid for those greedy *ssholes like the high class old man ho’s they are!” This from another internal e-mail allegedly passed all around the top executives and board members of Toyota, even as they apologize, and claim to be embarrassed in front of Congress.
“We have not lived up to the high standards our customers and the public have come to expect from Toyota,” Toyota president Lentz said before Congress. Many doubt the sincerity of the apology, in light of the fact that he insisted in front of the House Energy and Commerce Committee hearing that the problem was caused by misplaced mats and pedal mechanisms, and not from much more serious electronic/computer problems which cause automobiles to accelerate, while helpless drivers try in vain and terror to stop them. However, when a 2008 Toyota raced out of control and killed four people in South Lake, a suburb of Dallas Texas, the floor mats were in the trunk. Again, this matter was allegedly discussed in an e-mail within Toyota.
“Of course, we know it’s the computers causing runaway cars, but we made nice nice with National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, and they totally bought the floor mat/pedal bs. Suddenly unintended acceleration! Nice spin, gentlemen!”
Sadly, it’s all starting to seem like a bad Hollywood movie, where you can’t tell the difference between the pillar of the community superstar lawmakers and the greedy corporate killers. Only in this sordid scenario there’s no Batman to swoop in and kill the Joker. In real life, the Jokers are laughing all the way to the bank.
“I can’t help myself, I crave men meat, and I crave lots of it, all the time. But I’m a Christian, I love Jesus, I hate Satan, so I think queers, fags, dykes, and all other perverts are agents of the devil and should be destroyed. And as sweet baby Jesus is my witness, I’m real real real sorry.”
This is allegedly the first draft of an apology written by state Sen. Roy Ashburn, of Bakersfield California. He was apologizing for being pulled over early in the morning on Wednesday, March 3, and arrested for driving drunk. He had allegedly been partying at FACES, Sacramento’s premier gay, lesbian, and transgendered nightclub since 1985. Next to him was an unidentified allegedly extremely attractive and incredibly homosexual man. Those in Ashburn’s inner circle allegedly talked him into a kinder, gentler apology. Ashburn said he was sorry for his “poor judgment.” He went on to, “accept complete possibility” for his actions and, that he was, “prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.”
Sen. Ashburn has a long history of fiery and outspoken opposition to gay rights. He organized many events supporting his Traditional Family Values agenda, which was based in part on attacking homosexuals and fighting against gay marriage. Rather than turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbors as thyself, these displays of intolerance and hatred were often cloaked in the disguise of “Christianity”.
This came as quite a surprise to patrons of FACES. One alleged regular, who allegedly referred to himself as Chi Chi, was allegedly visibly upset when informed of Sen. Ashburn’s voting record regarding gay rights. “Are you kidding me? That queen was flitting around here like Tinkerbell on Halloween, and at the same time gay bashing in the Senate and shit?! She better not show her saggy white ass around here again, I can tell you that!”
Sen. Ashton has subsequently come out of the crowded Republican closet, and confessed to being gay. It came as a great shock to most of his constituents, who naturally assumed from his actions that he had nothing but ill will toward homosexuals. According to an unknown source, it did not, however, come as a surprise to his children, or the wife from whom he is divorced.
This is just the latest in a long line of Republican conservative politicians who simultaneously attacked gay rights, while engaging in semipublic homosexual sex. Florida State Rep. Bob Allen, a Republican who was long in bed with John McCain; Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, a Republican who was trying to have anonymous gay sex in an airport; Mark Foley, who was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited children, while trying to have homosexual sex with teenagers; rabid gay basher Ted Haggard, an evangelist and alleged lover of George Bush, who hired male prostitutes to have gay sex with him.
Why have so many diehard Republican politicians who made their bones attacking homosexuality turned out to be “queer as a $2.00 bill”? We asked one of Sen. Roy Ashburn’s inner circle. Off the record, he alleged said, “It’s like that story Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No, maybe it’s like that Jerry Lewis movie that Eddie Murphy did, where the professor drinks the potion and turns into a crazy sex maniac. Or no, that new movie where the guy becomes a werewolf. Yeah, I guess it’s like all those movies put together. Actually I think that all those hateful things all those rich stupid white man politicians queens say about the homos is really about player hating themselves. Roy Roy, he hates that part of himself that loves getting banged by a dude. I think it’ll be better now that he’s all out and free to be you and me. It’s a relief for all of us actually, because now we can all come out. This is going to be the coolest office ever.”
Calls to the office of Sen. Ashburn were not returned.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/04/roy-ashburn-arrested-anti_n_485419.html
Opponents of same-sex marriage argue it is evidence of the further decay of the moral fiber of America, and that a child cannot learn good role models from homosexuals, who are living lives of perversion in the eyes of God. Proponents of same-sex marriage say that getting married is a basic human right, and trot out scientific research which shows absolutely no correlation between success and happiness in adults who have been raised in same-sex, as opposed to “traditional” households.
Even though there has been an informal “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy on Sesame Street for years, Bert and Ernie have not come out publicly advocating for same-sex marriage because they are afraid of the public backlash. An anonymous source overheard Bert and Ernie lamenting to Cookie Monster, Count von Count and Snuffluffigus that they were afraid if people knew, they might be evicted from Sesame Street, shunned by their monster friends and blackballed by the Muppet’s Union. Bert and Ernie are reported to have said, “It’s ridiculous, why should people pay taxes and not have the same rights as everyone else? It’s not about whether you’re gay or hetero, or whatever the heck else is out there, it’s about whether there’s love in the house. And everyone knows there’s always been a lot of love in the basement of 123 Sesame Street.”
Bert and Ernie have long been rumored to be gay. Many have speculated that Ernie’s international hit, “Rubber Ducky”, was actually a coded love song to Bert. They have, and continue to be, closed mouth about their personal life. An anonymous source had this to say: “Well, Bert and Ernie were carrying on, like they do, and Ernie said, ‘Look, what we do behind closed doors is our business.’ And Bert said, ‘Hey Ernie, is that a banana in your ear?’ And Ernie said, ‘What Bert?’ And Bert said, ‘I said Ernie, is that a banana in your ear?’ And Ernie said, ‘What’s that Bert, I can’t hear you, I’ve got a banana in my ear!’ Everybody just fell out. No matter how many times they do it, it’s always funny.”
Kermit the Frog was the only confidant of Bert and Ernie who would comment about this supercharged situation. And that was only on the condition of being off the record. “Hey, it’s not easy being green. And in this case, when I say green, of course I mean gay. Just to be clear, I’m not saying Bert and Ernie are gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. If two people want to live in the same bedroom together, that’s their business. Whatever gets you through the night, right? I mean come on, how many couples have been together for 40 years? I would take my hat off to them, except I am a frog, and I don’t wear a hat.”
Attempts to contact all Muppets, and their representative, proved fruitless.
Some quotes about same-sex marriage from the National Organization for Marriage, and religioustolerance.org:
“Gays and lesbians have the right to live as they choose. They just don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us.”
“A loving man and woman in a committed relationship can marry. Dogs, no matter what their relationship, are not allowed to marry. How should society treat gays and lesbians in committed relationships? As dogs or as humans?”
“Marriage between one man and one woman is critical to maintaining social stability. Society as a whole pays a high price when marriage is devalued. You see divorce; you see single-parenting; you see a rise in out-of-wedlock pregnancies,” said Shari Rendall, director of legislation and policy for Concerned Women for America.
“An unjust law is (one that a) majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself … “Lamentably, it is an historical fact that privileged groups seldom give up there privileges voluntarily,” said Martin Luther King, Jr. in a letter from a Birmingham jail.
Derek Zoolander: “I Hate British Singing Sensation Susan Boyle!”
British singing sensation Susan Boyle, an unemployed cat owner, has become, as a result of a mere five minutes of singing, an inspiration to millions of people all over the globe, a symbol that anyone with true, genuine talent can have their lifelong dream come true if they just keep trying. It seems like everyone has fallen in love with Susan Boyle, that plucky, spunky, I-won’t-change-for-anybody girl-next-door with a big heart and an even bigger voice. Everyone except a man who was once America’s most famous supermodel. Derek Zoolander.
“I’m really really really pissed off,” a source close to Zoolander reports he said, “Why does someone who looks like her get to have all that talent? It’s just not fair. And I think I speak for really really really good-looking people everywhere when I say, How come I don’t have any talent, how come I can’t sing or dance or tell jokes that are humorously funny? But still, I can make many excellent and exciting and sexy faces. Can Susan Boyle make any sexy faces? I don’t think so. Is she really really really good looking? No. Am I? Yes. So why is she so much more famous than I am? I’m telling you, it’s totally horribly totally not fair.”
According to a confidant, the ex-famous supermodel has watched Susan Boyle’s triumphant rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical Les Miserables over 10,000 times. “He just watches it over and over and over, and looks at himself in the mirror and makes sexy faces and saying stuff like, ‘Her features aren’t symmetrical. She has a bad haircut. And she hasn’t had any cosmetic surgery. My features are awesomely symmetrical. My haircut is super amazing. I had really really really really really great cosmetic surgery. Please, God, why are you forsooking me?’ It’s quite pitiful, if you want to know the truth. We’re thinking of having an intervention, but we’re having trouble finding a caterer in our price range.”
Susan Boyle’s 15 minutes of fame shows no signs of ending. And while everyone from Demi Moore to Ashton Kutcher to Oprah Winfrey are embracing her, a member of Derek Zoolander’s inner circle claims the former supermodel is bitter and angry. “Is that really the kind of world we want,” Zoolander is reported to have said, “where people who are not good-looking get to be famous? This is a way important issue that’s more way important than all these bad economy things, or whatever. We have to put our feet down. I don’t want the children of tomorrow thinking that it’s more important to have talent than it is to be really really really good looking. Anyone who wants to help can send money to the Really Good-looking People of America Fund.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/derek-zoolander-i-hate-br_b_189048.html
Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera reported head of the Sinaloa cartel in Mexico, ranked 701st on Forbes’ yearly report of the wealthiest men alive, and worth an estimated $1 billion, today officially thanked United States politicians for making sure that drugs remain illegal. According to one of his closest confidants, he said, “I couldn’t have gotten so stinking rich without George Bush, George Bush Jr., Ronald Reagan, even El Presidente Obama, none of them have the cajones to stand up to all the big money that wants to keep this stuff illegal. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say, Gracias amigos, I owe my whole empire to you.”
According to sources in the Mexican government, President Calderone is begging American officials to, in the words of reggae great Peter Tosh, legalize it. “Oh yeah,” said an official close to the Mexican president, “Felipe is going crazy. He’s screaming at everybody who comes in, ‘Why don’t they make this sh*t legal already! You’re killing me here!’ Look, everyone knows, when you have Prohibition, you create gangsters. And the more you prohibit, the more gangsters you make. El Chapo is hero now to all those slumdogs who want to be millionaires. Kids in the street, when they play games, they all want to be El Chapo, the baddest man in the whole damn town.”
Meanwhile, many speculate that rich and prominent Mexican families are in cahoots with American businessmen in the alcohol industry, wealthy industrialists who launder the unprecedented profits from the drug business with their legitimate enterprises, and lawmakers who get gigantic kickbacks and payoffs to make sure that these drugs remain illegal, so they can remain rich, fat and happy. According to sources on both sides of the border, tens of millions of dollars in payoffs and kickbacks are stashed in Swiss banks every year, blood money from the brutal business made possible by a corrupt system supported by laws that don’t, and have never, worked.
Rather than putting El Chapo and his kind out of business by modernizing outdated laws and in the process making billions of dollars from taxing drugs (as is done with cigarettes and alcohol), United States government has spent hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars chasing its tail, and offered a $5 million reward for the capture of El Chapo. Many have said that the offer is unofficially: Dead or Alive.
Meanwhile, as an epidemic of murderous violence rages on the Mexican-US border, and the American government wastes boatloads of badly needed money on the illegal drug business which results from the Prohibition laws, El Chapo is laughing all the way to the bank. “Whoever came up with this whole War on Drugs,” one of his lieutenants reports he said, “I would like to kiss him on the lips and shake his hand and buy him dinner with caviar and champagne. The War on Drugs is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the day they decide to end that war, will be a sad one for me and all of my closest friends. And if you don’t believe me, ask those guys whose heads showed up in the ice chests.”
To the original Huffington Post article by David Henry Sterry
Show Your Love for Michael Phelps
In response to a picture of Michael Phelps taken by a British tabloid photographer, Kelloggs recently announced that they are dumping the greatest Olympic performer in the history of the United States. “Michael’s behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg’s,” said a spokesman for Kellogg’s.
Wake up America! What has Kellogg’s ever done for you? They’re a big huge company that wants to put your money in their pocket while shoving sugar laden food down your throat, and the throat of your children. Pop tarts, Frosted Flakes, Frosted Mini-Wheats? Versus Michael Phelps? Are you kidding me? These are foods that are making our kids fat and hyperactive, not an Olympic hero who represents the very best of America.
I don’t know about you, but I spent last summer mesmerized, hypnotized, blown out of the water night after night by young Michael Phelps in the water. The physical stamina, obviously the product of thousands and thousands of grueling, brutal, exhausting hours of training. The technique, honed over a decade of striving to be the best of the best of the best. The heart, the courage, the superhuman yet ubercool effort required when everything hangs in the balance, when the pressure is highest. The inextinguishable belief that you can win in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. It wired me, inspired me, fired me up and made me happy to be alive. It made me proud to be an American. Proud to be a human being.
I will never ever forget what Michael Phelps did for me in the summer of 2008. And honestly, I feel a little guilty. Because I haven’t done anything to express my extreme gratitude, to pay him back. Well, now Michael Phelps needs my help. He needs help from all of us. It is our duty as Americans to show Michael Phelps the love he deserves, the love he earned. We need to show him, and to show those black-hearted bastards at Kellogg’s, that being American means picking people up when they fall. It means standing by their side through good times and bad. It means rallying around them when they are being unjustly vilified, when the big bad bully is beating them up.
I mean please, Michael Phelps wasn’t acting like a maniac. He wasn’t exposing himself. He wasn’t doing anything violent or dangerous. He was just being a young person socializing with other young people in America. Relaxing. Letting his hair down after having given this country the last 10 years of his life. Having fun. Just doing what millions of other normal American young people are doing every single night in America. No one dies from doing what Michael Phelps was doing. Thousands and thousands of people die each year from obesity. And yet Kellogg’s puts millions into convincing you to start your child’s day with empty calories covered in sugar. And in the meantime, American hero Michael Phelps is dragged through the mud for just having a little well-deserved fun.
So I am asking America and the world to boycott Kellogg’s. Do not buy their products. Speak ill of them where ever you go. Tell all your friends and family not to give Kellogg’s one single penny, ruble, rupee or drachma of your money. I want every American to stand up and shake their fists at Kellogg’s. From teetotaler to Rastafarian; teenybopper to great-grandmother; Beethoven lover to punk rocker, let’s show Kellogg’s what we think of them acting ugly towards our Michael Phelps.
One unexpected benefit of the worst economic depression in a century is that for the first time in history, poor people are happier than rich people. Experts claim this is because the lifestyle of poor people has barely changed with the economic downturn. They were below the poverty before, and they’re below the poverty level now. But apparently, according to experts, many poor people are taking great comfort and the joy in the misery of the rich. In addition, they feel that President Obama actually wants to help them, a notable change from the last eight years in America.
Many rich people, on the other hand, have lost boats, airplanes, luxury automobiles, jet skis, two or three homes, and large portions of their wealth. Certainly many have been the victim of their own greed, but many have also been swindled, deceived and lied to. Just as poor people have been throughout the ages. And many rich people have never been poor, so they have no idea just how hard it is to be an American without money. Whereas most poor people, having been poor most of their lives, are very used to it.
Gerald (not his real name) is a doctor. He is in his mid-50s. He had a thriving practice. He lived in a beautiful home. He had enough money saved to live comfortably for the rest of his life. Or so he thought. Unfortunately for Gerald, he was friends with a very well thought of financial genius named Bernard Madoff. All his friends also knew Bernard Madoff. And they all trusted him to make them more money. In fact Gerald trusted him so much that he went out and mortgaged his house so he could give Madoff all his money. And now it’s all gone. His house, his retirement, all his money.
“It’s very depressing,” said Gerald, “I worked so hard for so long to build my practice. So I could provide for my family, so I could retire and travel. And now it’s all gone. Decades of hard work flushed down the toilet. I’m tired. I can’t sleep. And I’m angry. Why is this villain, this crook, this Madoff, still living high on the hog, in his palace? He should be in jail. Getting shtupped by big angry criminals. I guess though, I’ve always known, in the end I have no one to blame but myself. And that makes me depressed.”
Carla Crandall (her real name) is homeless. She’s in her early 30s. She is a very talented writer who will be published for the first time this summer. She suffers from mental illness, and she is a recovering drug addict. She lives on a fixed income from Social Security because she is disabled. She’s been depressed for years. Her income hasn’t changed at all. She has no retirement. She has no home. She has no money to invest. She didn’t lose one single penny during this catastrophic crash.
“Actually,” said Carla, “I’m really excited that my work is finally going to be published. It’s always been my dream to be a published author. I’m engaged to be married. But it’s so hard to live in the ghetto, drugs shoved down your throat, screaming lunatics and junkies, you just know at any minute someone can stick a knife right between your ribs. It just wears you down. If Obama would only give me, like, maybe ten grand, I could get out of the ghetto, get a computer, get on the Internet. Doesn’t seem like that much out of $800 billion, does it? But I have noticed you can get pants cheaper on the streets recently, so that’s good.”
Yes, it seems that everyone is suffering. But for once, the poor, the downtrodden, the huddled masses, the Carla Crandalls of the world, are suffering a little less than the rich people.
Link to the original post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-henry-sterry/poor-people-happier-than_b_164772.html
Top aides of Dick Cheney revealed that he is shopping his new memoir, even as they lashed out at critics who claim that he abused his power as vice president
of the United States. Even though many in the publishing industry have expressed outrage that Cheney made torture standard practice at, and top officials in Europe are calling for him to be tried as a war criminal, his top aides believe he is close to landing a seven-figure publishing deal.
“Dick wants to use this memoir to set the record straight as only Dick can,” a top aide revealed, “When he took over this country, he made a to-do list. Number two on that list was: bring back torture! He said to me a million times, ‘That’s the problem with this country, all those bleeding heart Hollywood homosexual Jewish liberal girlie men have made us a target.’ Dick made me see, that’s why September 11 happened. Because the evil ones thought they could get away with it. But now they know. You mess with us, we’ll torture the hell out of you. Heck, they had to pull Dick back. He wanted bring back torture big-time. Put criminals in stocks in the town square, lash them with the cat o’ nine tails, hang them by their thumbs, old-school style. But Dick wanted to mixed in all the new high-tech stuff, atomic powered water sledding, audiovisual sexual humiliation, and the ‘Active Denial’ ray gun, which produces mind-boggling pain, without leaving a single mark. I mean, come on, how cool is that? And with vice president’s guidance, we have made amazing breakthroughs with the use of testicular electrification. Dick’s very excited about that.”
Many top publishing experts believe that because Cheney trampled on the Constitution, authorizing wiretapping and holding suspects indefinitely without ever charging them, his memoir will quickly end up on remainder tables. There is speculation that this, combined with the government sanctioned torture, ethnic profiling, and the blatant disregard for civilian life in the Middle East, has led to worldwide hatred of America, and are actually as recruiting devices by Al Qaeda. The end result seems to be a widespread lack of interest from the publishing business in Dick Cheney’s memoir.
“This book is going to sell a billion copies. Dick Cheney will make it clear once and for all in his memoir why it was in America’s best interests that he wiped his ass with the Constitution,” said another of his top aides. “Like he says, ‘The Constitution was written by a bunch of pig farmers in white wigs and pantaloons, wearing fake wooden teeth.’ Which is totally true if you think about it. Look, his number one goal was to stop terrorism. And get really rich. And if Dick had to wiretap, if he had to round up all the ragheads, and throw them a dark pit somewhere till they squeal on their heathen, Bin Laden worshiping, Obama loving, brothers in arms, so be it. And as far as civilian casualties go, it’s like Dick says, ‘You can’t make a trillion dollar omelette without breaking a few trillion eggs.’
In addition, publishing insiders have stated that the American public believes Cheney’s war, precipitated by the fabrication of nonexistent weapons of mass destruction, was merely an excuse to secure cheap oil, and make the vice president’s rich cronies at Halliburton even more rich through extravagantly wasteful no-bid contracts. A top editor at Harper Collins said, “Cheney made our lives miserable for eight years. Now it’s our turn to kick Dick’s butt. If I have my way, Dr. Strangelove won’t get a plug nickel for his stinking memoir.” But Cheney’s top aides believe his memoir will be a historic document.
“This memoir will show conclusively that when Dick took the reins,” said yet another top aide, again off the record, “the number one thing on his to-do list was: start a war! He just caught a bad break with the whole WMD deal. He tried so hard to plant some of those suckers over there too, as soon as he realized there weren’t any. But it’s harder than you’d think, trying to plant weapons of mass destruction in some godforsaken camel jockey country. And frankly, Dick didn’ didn’t think, after 9/11, that anyone would give a damn why we wanted to bring down Hussein. It really shocked the hell out him. But Dick knows how to roll with the punches. He was just telling me yesterday, ‘They can all go to hell, because this is America, and the one who ends up with the most money wins. Guess who that’s going to be? Me!’
Again and again, Vice President Cheney has been accused, along with Karl Rove, of manipulating President Bush. Many claim that the last eight years have been orchestrated from behind the scenes by Cheney, using a smokescreen of deeply flawed legal arguments to become the most powerful vice president in history. And leaving America in the most severe economic downward spiral in almost a century. Many in the publishing community believe that being the most hated vice president in the history of the United States will make his memoir worthless. His top aides disagree.
“In this memoir,” another top aide confided, “you really see what a genius Dick is. Dick Cheney had a master plan when he took charge of America. In the year 2000, the economy had a $211 billion surplus. The national debt was down to $140 billion. He knew he had to turn that around. And by God he did. His goal when he assumed control was to have America $10 trillion in debt by the time he left office. And Dick is absolutely tickled pink that we made it to 10.6. This way, when everyone else has tanked, Dick and his buddies will be able to come in and buy the whole god damn country up for peanuts. Dick is brilliant. The Puppet Master. That’s what we call him. Sometimes when W gets really tanked, he and Dick do this hysterical ventriloquist routine. W sits on Dick’s lap, and he talks while W’s lips move. It’s a panic, seriously. Just about the only thing he didn’t get done was, extend presidential term limits. That kind of sticks in his craw. But Dick figures Obama’s going to screw the pooch so bad, in four years he’ll have brother Jeb all primed and ready. In the meantime, in the words of Dick, ‘Mission accomplished!”
In Hollywood, there has been speculation that Tom Cruise, who is apparently interested in playing the former vice president, is set to make an offer as soon as a publishing deal has been struck. And insider at Cruises production company said, “Tom has always had a fondness for Dick, everyone knows that.”
When contacted, Vice President Cheney’s office had no comment.
University Presidents Admit: We Like Money More than Fairness In College Football
After years of controversy regarding the lack of a playoff system in NCAA Division I college football, a vast majority of university and college presidents have admitted they care more about making lots and lots of money than they do about deciding a national champion fair and square. “Yes,” said a trusted colleague of the president of a major Southern California University, “we know there would be lots of money with a playoff system in football, but we’re just not sure that all that money would end up. We know where the money is now. We have it. And we like it that way.”When twenty university and college presidents were asked why Division I college football doesn’t have a playoff, when virtually every other college sport does, none of them could actually come up with an answer. But a top-level administrator in the office of the president of a leading Texas University said, “Of course we could have a playoff system. Are you telling me we can figure out how to do that in water polo and curling and horseshoes for crying out loud, but we can’t figure it out for football? But why should we? Do we care that Utah is undefeated and they never had a shot at the national title? Do we care about their players and fans? Do we care about any players or fans? The answer of course is, no we don’t, as long as they keep giving us their cheap labor, in the case of the players, and their hard earned cash, in the case of the fans.”
E. Gordon Gee, president of Ohio State University, has voiced a position which many school presidents ascribe to, when he says that he is violently and irrationally opposed to a playoff system. “We will not cross that Maginot line and get onto the slippery slope — the professional-ization of college football and a furthering of the arms race,” he said in the Columbus Dispatch. “We simply have to say no. If we don’t say no to this, the horse has left the barn totally. I will vote against it under any circumstance.”
However, a source high up in E. G. Gee’s office said,
Professionalization? Oh yeah, we had a big laugh over that one. ‘Hello, I’m the pot, you’re the kettle, and I’m calling you black!’ Let’s face it, the billion-dollar college football industry is built on finding the most talented labor possible. And if that means greasing palms and getting alumni to buy that talent, so be it. If that means getting kids booze and babes on recruiting trips, so be it. Because once they’re our property, all we have to do is feed ’em and house ’em, make sure they don’t get caught doing anything illegal, arrange so they don’t have to go to any classes, and get their tutors to take their tests and write their papers. That’s the beauty part, we don’t actually have to even educate these kids. Just checked the graduation rates if you don’t believe me. Then after we’ve squeezed everything we can out of ’em, we cut them loose, and they don’t cost us another penny. Meanwhile the stadiums keep filling up, the merchandise keeps selling hand over fist, and the TV money keeps rolling in. Of course we don’t want this to look like it’s professionalized, because then we’d actually have to give these athletes a cut of the billions and billions of dollars they’re responsible for bringing in, and by God, then where the hell would we be? I’m here to tell you that in order to get a playoff in NCAA Division I college football, they will have to get the necessary votes from the cold dead bony fingers of the rich white men who run colleges and universities in these great United States of America. Because I mean, seriously, what kind of geniuses would we be if we killed the cash cow that’s laying golden eggs?
The NFL is considering suspending New England Patriot wide receiver Wes Welker for violating National Football League rules when he celebrated a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals by falling to the ground, lying on his back in the snow-covered end zone and making a snow angel.
An anonymous NFL source said the league is absolutely furious. “We don’t pay our employees to strut around and grab their crotches like overgrown ghetto monkeys. And we do not pay them to make SNOW ANGELS!”
The NFL has been the target of criticism for decades, from Michael Irvin and his involvement with cocaine and prostitutes; to more recent strip club money giveaways involving Adam “Pacman” Jones; elaborately choreographed celebrations by Chad Johnson; and of course the self-inflicted gunshot wound from an unregistered weapon by Plaxico Buresss.
Another NFL executive said anonymously that the league is determined to clean up its image, no matter what it takes. “This culture of drugs, hookers, domestic abuse, and general thuggeration leads to these grotesque displays of self-indulgent, egocentric, look-at-me-ism. In the middle of an economic depression, with people losing their homes, unemployment skyrocketing, Jewish investment bankers bilking little old ladies out of billions, and Americans laying down their lives in the war in the Middle Eastern, do you really think we want to see allegedly heterosexual heroes acting like Nancy-boy girly-man sissies making swishy little snow angels? I don’t think so!”
The NFL has also been under criticism for curtailing celebrations, which led to their nickname, the No Fun League. “You’re god damn right we’re the No Fun League,” said an NFL owner, again anonymously.
We’re teaching important life lessons to kids, because we are absolutely committed to cultivating future generations of consumers. We want them to know that life is not about fun. It’s about working your ass off so you have enough money to buy the stuff we want you to buy. I’ll tell you how to get this country back on its feet. Every American family needs to purchase the premium NFL TV package and watch our product around-the-clock; drink as much American beer as you can; buy lots of American cars; eat tons of fast food; and gulp down fistfuls of anti-depressants, cholesterol suppressors, and erection medicine. Look, what’s good for the NFL is good for America. In fact, we’re about to hit up George W, while he’s ‘lame ducking’, for some of that bailout dough. Just a billion or two. To him it’s chump change, but it sure would help us out.
The NFL is determined to punish Wes Walker swiftly and harshly. He will almost certainly have to check himself into a rehab clinic, and undergo extensive impulse management therapy. Another top-ranking NFL official, again anonymously, said, “We’re sick and tired of the Wes Welkers of the world, who think they can just go around making snow angels willy-nilly. Wes Welker has to know, like every employee in the NFL, that this game is not about the players, it’s not about the fans, it’s not about snow angels, it’s about the most American thing there is: making more money than anybody else.”
When contacted the NFL had no comment.
1500 points the market plummeted last week. This was preceded by months of money drunk Wall Streeters feeding like little piggies at the trough of dirty money. For me it’s déjà vu all over again. Black Monday, October 19, 1987, the market crashed 508 points, while I was the master of ceremonies at Chippendales, the world’s greatest male stripping empire. And just as one-bedroom fixer-uppers were recently being valued at half a million dollars, citizens were taking out loans with balloon payments so full of hot air they exploded, and the new Bush was turning Wall Street into a Vegas casino; so Chippendales, with its steroid-bloated, mountain-peak-pecced excess was business as usual in a culture where the Emperor was a male exotic dancer with no clothes on. In both cases, America was writing checks with its mouth that its ass couldn’t cash and it crashed like an addled addict after a lost weekend.
In fact, that’s what happened to me. Started when the Snowman, a Chippendales studmuffin, began feeding me coke so I’d give him better intros. Soon I was shoving massive amounts of blow up my nose to feed the demon beast inside that could never be satisfied, til one night I did so much coke I died. Luckily, I came back to life. I quit coke that night. Dedicated myself to working hard, finding love, and conquering my demon beasts old-school style, by unraveling my knots slowly and painfully. Took me decades of busting my hump and years of hypnotherapy, but today I’m drug-free, with a job I love, a wife who loves me in all my idiocy, an apple-of-my-eye baby girl, and a
glorious home with a spectacular garden that feeds me every day.
I’m hoping America will have just as happy an ending. Dump the gas-guzzling SUVs, play well with others, stop the billion dollar a day war, and prosper the old-school way: work hard and earn it. Well, that’s my two cents worth, and with inflation I owe you approximately one trillion dollars.
Loved being on one of HBO’s first hits, created by Marta Kauffman (and others) of “Friends” fame.
