“I can’t help myself, I crave men meat, and I crave lots of it, all the time.  But I’m a Christian, I love Jesus, I hate Satan, so I think queers, fags, dykes, and all other perverts are agents of the devil and should be destroyed.  And as sweet baby Jesus is my witness, I’m real real real sorry.”

This is allegedly the first draft of an apology written by state Sen. Roy Ashburn, of Bakersfield California.  He was apologizing for being pulled over early in the morning on Wednesday, March 3, and arrested for driving drunk.  He had allegedly been partying at FACES, Sacramento’s premier gay, lesbian, and transgendered nightclub since 1985.  Next to him was an unidentified allegedly extremely attractive and incredibly homosexual man.  Those in Ashburn’s inner circle allegedly talked him into a kinder, gentler apology.  Ashburn said he was sorry for his “poor judgment.”  He went on to, “accept complete possibility” for his actions and, that he was, “prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.” 

Sen. Ashburn has a long history of fiery and outspoken opposition to gay rights.  He organized many events supporting his Traditional Family Values agenda, which was based in part on attacking homosexuals and fighting against gay marriage.  Rather than turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbors as thyself, these displays of intolerance and hatred were often cloaked in the disguise of “Christianity”. 

This came as quite a surprise to patrons of FACES.  One alleged regular, who allegedly referred to himself as Chi Chi, was allegedly visibly upset when informed of Sen. Ashburn’s voting record regarding gay rights.  “Are you kidding me?  That queen was flitting around here like Tinkerbell on Halloween, and at the same time gay bashing in the Senate and shit?!  She better not show her saggy white ass around here again, I can tell you that!”

Sen. Ashton has subsequently come out of the crowded Republican closet, and confessed to being gay.  It came as a great shock to most of his constituents, who naturally assumed from his actions that he had nothing but ill will toward homosexuals.  According to an unknown source, it did not, however, come as a surprise to his children, or the wife from whom he is divorced.

This is just the latest in a long line of Republican conservative politicians who simultaneously attacked gay rights, while engaging in semipublic homosexual sex.  Florida State Rep. Bob Allen, a Republican who was long in bed with John McCain; Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, a Republican who was trying to have anonymous gay sex in an airport; Mark Foley, who was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited children, while trying to have homosexual sex with teenagers; rabid gay basher Ted Haggard, an evangelist and alleged lover of George Bush, who hired male prostitutes to have gay sex with him.

Why have so many diehard Republican politicians who made their bones attacking homosexuality turned out to be “queer as a $2.00 bill”?  We asked one of Sen. Roy Ashburn’s inner circle.  Off the record, he alleged said, “It’s like that story Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  No, maybe it’s like that Jerry Lewis movie that Eddie Murphy did, where the professor drinks the potion and turns into a crazy sex maniac.  Or no, that new movie where the guy becomes a werewolf.  Yeah, I guess it’s like all those movies put together.  Actually I think that all those hateful things all those rich stupid white man politicians queens say about the homos is really about player hating themselves.  Roy Roy, he hates that part of himself that loves getting banged by a dude.  I think it’ll be better now that he’s all out and free to be you and me.  It’s a relief for all of us actually, because now we can all come out.  This is going to be the coolest office ever.”

Calls to the office of Sen. Ashburn were not returned.