Author, book doctor, raker of muck

David Henry Sterry

Tag: tiger woods

I Is with You: Leroy Satchel Paige Mini-Documentary


My mini-documentary of my childhood hero, a great American legend who was a combination Mark Twain/Richard Prior & Michael Jordan: Leroy Satchel Paige, born July 7, 1901, then again in 1903, 1904, and finally in 1909. 

1953SatchelPaigeCard

When I was seven I fell under the spell of Leroy Satchel Paige. I don’t remember who he was playing for, or who he was pitching against, I only remember Satchel – ridiculously old, impossibly leanlanky, and sooooooo slooooooow as he jangles in from the bullpen with the bases loaded and two out.

As the crowd whips itself into a frothy frenzy, I’m hypnotized by this magical man, this cross between Ichabod Crane and Rip Van Winkle.  Those long, loping, can’t start the game without me strides are comical, but they’re also majestic: King and Jester, Warrior and Clown, an ageless wonder of the world.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

Well, by the time the Ol’ Satch actually reaches the mound and warms up, the whole stadium erupting all around him, the poor dumbfounded flummox of batter looks like a balloon with the air all leaked out of it.

Sure enough, Satch goes into his syncopated, whirly bird, interpretive dance, scatty jazzy be-bop of a wind-up, swinging out that long lean leg and easy as you please, his arm whipshotting a teeny tiny pea homeward, the whippersnapper batter freezes like a duck on a winter pond.

“STEEEEEE-RIKE!!!” screams the ump, as strike one caresses the paint on the outside of home plate lightly like a long lost lover.

Let the ball flow our of your hand like water. 

“WAAAAAAAAHHHH!” the crowd wails.

“STEEEEEE-RIKE!!!” screams the ump as strike two strokes the inside of home.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHH!” goes the crowd.

Just take the ball and throw it, home plate don’t move.

Same wind-up, same whipshotting right arm, only this time the ball floats slow, slower, slowest, the snailiest change of pace I’ve ever seen: Uncle Tommy.

Uncle Tommy’s slow, but he gets there.

The hapless whippersnapper waves feeble before the ball even gets there, his Louisville Slugger transformed into an overcooked 33 ounce piece of linguini.

“WOO-HOOOOOO!” the crowd screams in full-throated roar, raining down thunderbolts of joy on Ol’ Satch as he saunters off with a doff of his cap.

We don’t stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing.

Black and white, sons of Klansmen, and ancestors of slaves, all raised their voices as one with me, and I understood in a way I could not express at the time that Satchel had made us all color blind.  And happy.   From that minute on, he was my hero.

As I got older I discovered Satchel’s humor.

Age is a question of mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

And his brilliance: Nolan Ryan holds the record for no-hitters with an extraordinary 7.  Satch threw 55. Cy Young: 511 wins, Satchel, 1,934.  Shut out the Red Sox for three innings.  When he was 60.  Or somewhere thereabouts.  I memorized Satch’s 6 rules for staying young.

Avoid eating fried meats, they angry up the blood.

If your stomach disputes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.

Keep the juices flowing by jangling gently  as you move.

Go very light on the vices such as carrying on in society, the social ramble ain’t restful.

Avoid the running at all times.

And of course, don’t look back, something might be gaining on you.

Baseball has turned me from a 2nd class citizen into a 2nd class immortal. 

When I got to college and studied Socrates, I laughed when I read in his writing: “The wise man knows he knows nothing”, because it sounded exactly like Satch’s,

I don’t know anything.

And as I got older, I understood his humanity.

I is with you.

When I found out he was the highest paid athlete in America in 1945, I started to think about what it must have been like to be the Tiger Woods of your day, but not get to compete in any PGA events because you’re black.  To have to watch from the sidelines as the best white players get riches and glory, while you’re denied your rightful place on the center stage of America.  But they didn’t have Air Satchels back then.  The NO COLORED ALLOWED sign was still hanging over the door.

I marvel at this man I idolized as a boy, and how he triumphed with such grace, humor, and dignity over decades of bigotry and intolerance.

Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common.

But nothing will ever match that tingly feeling of the six year-old boy moonstruck by that great artist of the diamond.

Satchel, I is with you.

A Master’s Rant: Why Professional Golfers Suck

Why professional golfers are whiny little bitches

I am a golfer. There I said it. I’m not ashamed. Okay, maybe a little, but not much. So naturally I spent the last four days watching the greatest golfers in the world compete in the Masters, one of golf’s most prestigious events. I was shocked and horrified, horrified and shocked as I watched one pampered, Pansy-assed, Candy-faced golfer after another whine, moan, and bitch about how bad they had it. “Oh, it’s so terrible, we hit the ball and we don’t know where it’s going, we never know where it’s going to end up. We can’t work under these conditions, golf isn’t the supposed be like this, it’s too hard, we don’t like it, we’re not having any fun out there.” Let me tell you something motherfucker, golf is not supposed to be easy. You’re supposed to suffer when you play golf. Golf is supposed to make you miserable and put you through the ringer, just like life. You think you had tough working conditions this weekend? My grandfather was a coal miner. When he went to work in the morning it was still dark, and he worked his ass off all day, and when he dragged himself up out of the mines, after his shift was over, it was dark again. This man went for days weeks without seeing the sun, toiling away in a coal mine while black lung disease was trying to do a hostile takeover of his respiratory system. That man had a hard job. That man had every reason to whine about how tough it was. But did he? No. Professional golfers whine. You want a hard job? Try being Pat Tillman. Now that guy had a hard job. I’d say having to worry about chili dipping a sand wedge doesn’t really hold a candle to having your head blown off by your own guys. If you don’t believe me go ask Sergeant Tillman about how tough it is to be a professional golfer. Oh that’s right, you can’t, he’s dead. I thought this Masters was one of the most entertaining spectacles I’ve ever seen him. It gave me such immense pleasure to watch all these superstars who live in the lap of luxury snivel and crawl their way around Augusta. But if you ask me, it wasn’t hard enough. I want them to make Augusta, and every other golf course the PGA plays on, a hundred times harder. I want to see these wankers go all Tin Cup, and hit one ball after another into the water, splash splash splash. I want to see them breaking their clubs on trees and or in frustration. I want to see them four and five putt those monstrous greens. I want them to feel like I do on a golf course. I never know where the balls going. I never know where it’s going to end up. I want them to finish at least 15 strokes over par every single round. Just like I do. If it was up to me the winning score at next year’s Masters would be 100 over par. Let’s see how Tiger and Phil and Ernie hold up when they have to play around like I do. That would make me very happy. Well, that’s my two cents worth, and with inflation I owe you one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW_DhVCgb-8

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