This is how I fell in love with Sally. But this is not a love story. It’s a tragedy. Even though we were instantly drawn to each other with a fiery flame, and grew to love each other deeply, we could never be together. We were too different. Our people would never let us. It would have been too scandalous, too shocking, too forbidden. The world was not ready for a love like Sally had for me. And I for Sally.
Sally and I are hired to act in a Michelob beer commercial. The theme of the spot is evolution. I am hired to star in the commercial as a Neanderthal Man. Type-casting. Four hours I sit while a crew of highly-skilled make-up artists glued thin layers of skin-colored latex over every inch of my face, transforming me from end of second millennium American Homo Sapien into Caveman. They sculpt a gigantic forehead with a scary hairy monobrow, wee sunken eyes, a flaring nose cauliflowering across my cheeks, thick rubber caveman lips, and huge wooly mammoth-eating fake teeth. My hair is almost fur, extending from the thicket on my head to my jaw lines, and down both cheeks.
When I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. I look for a long time but I can’t find myself in there anywhere. Until I look all the way inside my simian face and see my eyes. There I am. I have a deep desire to grunt and snarl and hump someone from behind.
Finally, I’m ready for my introduction to Sally. Her trainer comes up to me, very serious, doesn’t even notice that I’m a 2,000 year old Neanderthal Man.
“Don’t make eye contact at first. Let her come to you. Get down on her level and don’t make any quick movements. Be very calm and very still. She can sense fear. Plus, she can jump six feet straight up in the air, and she’s ten times stronger than you. For example, Sally’s jaw is so strong she could snap your arm in two like a dry twig. But it’s really important she doesn’t feel any fear coming off you.”
Suddenly all I can see is my bloody Neanderthal hand dangling out of Sally’s mouth and I’m panicking while trying desperately not to panic.
Sally comes out of her trailer, hand-in-hand with another trainer. I squat down to her level. Avert my eyes. I can feel Sally’s stare as she inches slowly towards me wary and dangerous. Sounds like a bass drum has been transplanted into my chest cavity. I’m so scared I have no spit. There’s a small crowd gathering, all quiet tension, waiting to see what Sally will do to David the Neanderthal. Finally she’s right in my face. Since I’m not making eye contact for fear of having my Adam’s apple ripped out, I smell her before I see her. She smells clean, wild, untamed, and of the earth. I feel myself calm with smell of her.
Sally sniffs me suspiciously, moving her mouth to my jaw. The tension is unbearable. Her hot breath breathes on my lips. She’s brings her lips to my cheek. She’s going to rip it open, tear the flesh off the bone, I just know it. I’m trying harder than I’ve ever tried anything not to visualize her biting my nose off with her superstrong jaw that can snap my arm in two like a dry twig.
Slowly, ever slowly, I turn bring my eyes to hers like a simian Southern belle, bringing my eyes up to meet hers. Sally’s stare almost knocks me over. Wise, curious, clever, keen, deep, sharp, smart, mysterious animal passion beams from Sally into me, jolting my soul and rattling my bones. Her face is a picture of puzzlement, brows knitted, head tilted to one side. As she stares into my half-man, half-monkey face, I find I can read her thoughts. She’s speaking to me with her eyes:
“What are you?… You’re not one of them… But you’re not one of me… Seriously, what are you?”
I smile. I can’t help it.
Sally puckers, then covers my face and lips with tiny sweet little kisses.
I’m overcome, undone, head-over-heels in love with Sally. She puts her arms around my neck and hops into my arms. The crowd oohs and ahs, witness to the start of a beautiful tragic love story.
The whole rest of the shoot, Sally and I are like sweet and potato. Whenever she sees me, she runs up to me excited as a longlostlover, jumps up in my arms, and covers me with kisses. I carry her around like she’s my sweet lovemonkey and I’m her ape loverman, holding hands and going bananas, swooning and spooning. I’ve never known a female who was so openly, unabashedly, good-naturedly affectionate, who lit up so in my presence.
Work laws for actors like Sally are very strict, due to years of Hollywood abuse. So Sally works very strict 12-hour shifts. This may seem trivial now, but it will prove crucial as our story unfolds.
In the commercial I, Neanderthal, will be sitting next to Sally, while an actress, playing a Homo Sapien waitress, flirts with me. We block the scene without Sally. The actress walks up to me all stiff and skittishy, just lobbing her line in my general vicinity, like a lazy newsboy tossing an errant morning paper:
“Hey good looking, come here often?”
It’s bad. Bad, bad, bad. The director stops everything, walks over to her and says, “I need you to hot it up, honey, make with the goo-goo eyes, like you did in the callback, babe.” She promises she will, shoots him a sex-baby look, which evaporates the second the director turns and walks away. I notice her gill are a bit aqua green as she thinks about how Sally’s powerful jaw can snap her arm like a dry twig.
The lights are tweaked for the ten thousandth time. The camera focused. Hair, make-up and wardrobe are fluffed, patted, and tucked. Finally everything is ready, hundreds of highly-paid technicians and advertising geeks all set to make commercial magic.
Sally’s brought in, hops up on her stool next to me at the bar, reaches over and kisses me on the cheek as I whisper sweet little Neanderthal nothings into her hairy ears.
“Scene 4, take 1. Roll camera!”
“Camera rolling. Speed.”
The actress walks towards us like a nervous cat at a dog show. Even I can feel her fear, and I’m certainly no monkey. She started to make the most tentative of flirty eyes in my general direction.
Well, Sally goes bananas, jumps up on the bar, bares her teeth, and hisses, looking like she’s going to rip this poor spooked woman’s heart out, show it to her, then eat it.
The actress’ scream curdles blood as she runs raging wailing and weeping through the set, and out the door.
I still think the advertising geeks should have used that in the commercial, because it says more about evolution than any of the lame shit they came up with.
But no, they decide to just write the waitress out of the commercial.
It’s a mad complicated shoot, and because the advertising geeks have been so busy figuring out which swanky restaurant they’re going to eat dinner at that night, we’re way far behind schedule.
So now it’s getting to be 6:30 PM. 7:00 is the end of Sally’s 12-hour shift. So the advertising geeks send some junior assistant flunky over to Sally’s trainer and he asks if they can get Sally to work overtime, because if they don’t get all her shots, they’re going to have to bring everybody back and go way over budget.
The trainer says he doubts Sally will want to work overtime but he’ll see what he can do.
The geeks huddle furiously, whispering toxically. It’s now 6:45 PM. A much better-dressed executive walks up to the trainer. They’ll pay whatever he wants. Name the price.
The trainer smiles. Slowly reminds the executive what Sally is, and how she’s not in any way shape or form financially motivated.
“Well then we’ll give her all the damn bananas she wants,” the better-dressed executive explains.
“Well,” explains the trainer patiently, as if he’s talking to a dumb animal, “Sally already gets all the bananas she wants, but I’ll see what I can do.”
Finally it’s 6:58PM. The best-dressed executive hustles over to the trainer.
“Listen, I don’t care what the hell she wants, we need to get three more shots off before she leaves, is that clear?”
You can see the trainer is about to lose it, wishing to God that he only had to deal with reasonable mammals.
But before he can say anything, it’s 7 o’clock. Exactly 12 hours after Sally started working.
Sally steps up on the bar, and slowly, dramatically, like the consummate performer she is, raises her left arm over her head, and slaps her wrist where a watch would be, the international sign for:
“Look what time it is.”
She then jumps down, and starts pulling me by the hand toward the door. As the highly-paid technicians try desperately not to laugh, and the advertising geeks shit themselves, Sally and I proceed through the set, and straight out the door, hand-in-hand, like a naked bride and Neanderthal groom heading for our abba dabba honeymoon.
They have to bring everybody back the next day, and Sally becomes a hero. She get sus all another day’s pay, and with incredible style, panache, and savoir faire, tells the oppressive exploiting fascist fatcat Bosses to stick it. Love Live Sally!
When I ask the trainer about it, he tells me that Sally has an acute sense of time. Because she works so often, she knows exactly when 12 hours are up, and has figured out that by making the sign for time, not only will her day be over, but she’ll also make everyone laugh real hard. Which she loves to do. All day, whenever it’s time for a meal, or a break, everyone from actors to Teamsters raise their hand up over their head, and slap their wrist where a watch would be, in silent homage to Sally the magical beauty. Much to the amusement of everyone except the advertising geeks, who seem basically jaded and disgusted by pretty much everything except what swanky restaurant they’re going to eat at that night.
As for me, one of the great regrets of my life is that I never get to consummate my relationship with the exquisite, talented and loving Sally. I know she would’ve been a powerful, wild, romantic, spiritual and highly rocking lover, and a fabulous life partner. Oh, the spectacular kids we could’ve had!
But alas, Sally and I had a love that could never be.