NFL Cracks Down On Snow Angels and Asks for Economic Bailout

 

The NFL is considering suspending New England Patriot wide receiver Wes Welker for violating National Football League rules when he celebrated a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals by falling to the ground, lying on his back in the snow-covered end zone and making a snow angel.

An anonymous NFL source said the league is absolutely furious. “We don’t pay our employees to strut around and grab their crotches like overgrown ghetto monkeys. And we do not pay them to make SNOW ANGELS!”

The NFL has been the target of criticism for decades, from Michael Irvin and his involvement with cocaine and prostitutes; to more recent strip club money giveaways involving Adam “Pacman” Jones; elaborately choreographed celebrations by Chad Johnson; and of course the self-inflicted gunshot wound from an unregistered weapon by Plaxico Buresss.

Another NFL executive said anonymously that the league is determined to clean up its image, no matter what it takes. “This culture of drugs, hookers, domestic abuse, and general thuggeration leads to these grotesque displays of self-indulgent, egocentric, look-at-me-ism. In the middle of an economic depression, with people losing their homes, unemployment skyrocketing, Jewish investment bankers bilking little old ladies out of billions, and Americans laying down their lives in the war in the Middle Eastern, do you really think we want to see allegedly heterosexual heroes acting like Nancy-boy girly-man sissies making swishy little snow angels? I don’t think so!”

The NFL has also been under criticism for curtailing celebrations, which led to their nickname, the No Fun League. “You’re god damn right we’re the No Fun League,” said an NFL owner, again anonymously.

We’re teaching important life lessons to kids, because we are absolutely committed to cultivating future generations of consumers. We want them to know that life is not about fun. It’s about working your ass off so you have enough money to buy the stuff we want you to buy. I’ll tell you how to get this country back on its feet. Every American family needs to purchase the premium NFL TV package and watch our product around-the-clock; drink as much American beer as you can; buy lots of American cars; eat tons of fast food; and gulp down fistfuls of anti-depressants, cholesterol suppressors, and erection medicine. Look, what’s good for the NFL is good for America. In fact, we’re about to hit up George W, while he’s ‘lame ducking’, for some of that bailout dough. Just a billion or two. To him it’s chump change, but it sure would help us out.

The NFL is determined to punish Wes Walker swiftly and harshly. He will almost certainly have to check himself into a rehab clinic, and undergo extensive impulse management therapy. Another top-ranking NFL official, again anonymously, said, “We’re sick and tired of the Wes Welkers of the world, who think they can just go around making snow angels willy-nilly. Wes Welker has to know, like every employee in the NFL, that this game is not about the players, it’s not about the fans, it’s not about snow angels, it’s about the most American thing there is: making more money than anybody else.”

When contacted the NFL had no comment.

About David Sterry

David Henry Sterry is the author of 16 books, a performer, muckraker, educator, book editor, activist, and book doctor. His first memoir, Chicken, was an international bestseller, and has been translated into 10 languages. “As laconic as Dashiell Hammett, as viscerally hallucinogenic as Hunter S Thompson. Sex, violence, drugs, love, hate, and great writing, what more could you ask for?” – The Irish Times.
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